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Baseball has a long and tedious offseason, so maybe you missed some things. Let’s catch you up as to what’s happened over the past month.
The Philadelphia Phillies are running their organization like I would play MLB the Show at the age of 13, and I fucking love it. Yes, a big part of the reason Carlos Correa signed a 105 million dollar contract is because he’s better at blocking balls from getting past him than that one DUFF every girl friend group has when guys walk over to them at bars, but Castellanos and Schwarber are fun as hell. This season, my entire Twitter timeline might just end up being Jared Carrabis tweets of balls getting crushed at Citizens Bank Park. There are some bullpen concerns for Philly, but there’s no reason to leave them off any top ten list in pre-season power rankings.
In other news, what the f**k are the Colorado Rockies doing? It feels like the Michael Scott scene snip-snap-snip-snap-snip-snap. I get that they wanted Story back, but the Kris Bryant signing feels like their GM is having a mid-life crisis. As a Kris Bryant fan that’s developed a semi-homosexual infatuation with him, he got wayyy too much money. The Rockies also signed Ryan McMahon back, so I guess the plan is to hope that these guys have great early thirties, and their twenty-fourth ranked farm system plugs the holes.
The Boston Red Sox signed Trevor Story to a six-year contract, and Yankees fans started acting like thirteen-year-old girls when One-Direction broke up on Twitter. Boston now has debatably the best infield in baseball and it feels like one of those years where the Red Sox start off a little slow and grab more arms than a girl named Krystal at a basement party at the deadline. The AL East is going to be a bigger dogfight than Moonlight road in 2005.
After years of Dodger’s fans berating him after blowing five saves a year, Kenley Jansen is a Brave. This is a great signing for Atlanta. As for other notable pickups besides Freddie, Jorge Solar goes to Miami- good for Marlins man. Cubs snag Drew Smylley. Pineda to the Tigers. One last thing I want to touch on, Cleveland Guardians, I don’t know how your scouts do it, but it seems like you’ve got another great crop of pitchers.
The Oakland A’s had the highest payroll in baseball in 1991; it was 33 million. It’s the very same number today- with five players around baseball making more than the A’s entire roster this year. I understand small market baseball, but if SteveWillDoIt gives more money a year to cleaning ladies than you’re shelling out to professional baseball players, sell the fucking team. Maybe even sell it to NELK- one dollar Happy Dad night with Donald Trump and Dana White doesn’t seem like a half-bad idea.
Moving to another fanbase full of people on Zoloft, Jacob Degrom is out for forty days (and I think that’s an optimistic number). I saw the video of Frank The Tank responding to the crushing news, and I think we can all agree we just want that man to be happy. Why do bad things happen to good people? It pains my heart that a large number of New Jersey construction workers, who wake up at 5 in the morning every day just so they can send their daughters to Florida State where she will wear less cloth than a PBS video from an African Village taken in the 1980’s, will not get that one little thing that makes them happy.
One of the most Brian Cashman things possible happened from the Yankees camp. The Yankees got Jose Trevino from the Rangers, who, aside from making balls look like strikes from time to time, is the most nothing catcher of all time. As the Yankees needed depth at the position, I’m not criticizing the move; I’m just saying he’s a less racially ambiguous version of your MyPlayer when you first start a career on 2k. But the notable part of this trade is that a Yankees prospect named Robert Ahlstrom found out about it from a fan page’s Instagram account. Brian Cashman didn’t even have the courtesy to get whoever the hell Jonah Hill’s character is in the Yankees’ management circle to give the guy a courtesy call.
AJ Pollock and Craig Kimbrel were traded for one another, which is basically equivalent to trading three airheads for one pack of Scooby-Doo gummies at the third-grade lunch table. Both teams get something that they need for almost the same cost when all things are considered.
Sean Manaea goes to the Padres, giving them their final piece in a rotation that I’d SIMP for. If the Padres rotation wanted me to go to dinner with their parents after two dates, I’d so be in. The division will be a tough one, but they have the coach and the talent for a Wild Card spot.
The Angles DFA’d Justin Upton, and Albert Pujols DFA’d his wife. Bobby Witt Jr. will be on the opening day roster for the Royals after having a better Spring than Robin DiAngelo had in 2020. Spencer Torkelson also gets the nod from the Tigers, which ummmm…thumbs up!
Oh! Freddie Freeman is a Dodger and Carlos Correa is a Twin! Happy opening day everybody.