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The Birdlaw Report: Gus Johnson Came His Pants, Guantanamo Bay, and Big Ben Has Fallen.

Nine takeaways from the nine games I watched. For idiots, written by an idiot. 

Packers 30- Niners 28

  1. What a fucking game. If I’m a Packers fan, first of all, I’m probably still wearing a mask because from everything I know about Wisconsin, you’re all fat alcoholics, and secondly, I’m thrilled because this win confirms that week one was a fluke. If you had any doubt that Aaron Rodgers couldn’t get the packers in field goal range with thirty-seven seconds on the board, you’re a fucking moron. The 49ers played a HELL of a game. And while Jimmy G made some questionable throws, I think we are learning from the rest of the league that sometimes it’s NOT a bad idea to sit your rookie quarterback despite the pressure from fans (even though we did get to see red zone Trey Lance). The real MVP of this game? The Packers’ training staff for letting what had to be a severely concussed Devante Adams go back into the game for the last drive. That was Catholic Church level we probably shouldn’t be doing this, but our followers will turn a blind eye because we are all they have to believe in. If I’m a 49ers fan, I’m not too beat up about losing this game. Your secondary was spread about as thin as a University of Miami girl that eats Adderall for two meals a day with the Josh Norman injury. If the Niner’s secondary was fully healthy, I think it still would have been close, but San Fran would’ve pulled through.

Falcons 17- Giants 14

2.Let’s go from the best game I watched today to the worst game I watched today. Guantanamo Bay detainees were forced to watch this game and begged to have their hands boiled in hot oil again instead. I can’t blame them. Watching the corpse of Matt Ryan take on Daniel Jones in the Meadowlands is about as enticing as watching Super Troopers Two without weed. The Giants seem to have no direction for their franchise. You have Eli Manning begging the fans not to boo John Mara, Jason Garrett finding new ways to be an oaf, and a quarterback that’s playing well enough to shut up the critics but not good enough to overtake a game with his arm. Saquon Barkley is basically the Wii you got in 2008 when your Dad lost his job and your parents told you they were getting a divorce. Saquon scored today? Nice! He’s the only thing that’s keeping you entertained while your entire life is falling apart, but hey, Wii tennis, right? As for the Falcons, your receivers looked good today? Congratulations? 

Browns 26- Bears 6

3.The Bears’ offensive line looked like a cacophony of children with missing limbs playing red rover against a fully healthy group of kids their own age. The Bears managed to get FORTY-SEVEN yards. Justin Tucker kicked for almost twenty more yards than the Chicago Bears on one play. The story from this game will be the Browns defensive line (Myles Garrett in particular) wiping their ass with the Bears offensive line, but Justin Fields has to take some blame. He needs to take some pointers from most women in Portland on how to avoid the sack. The star of this game was Kareem Hunt, who ended the game with ten carries for eighty-one yards and a touchdown and six receptions for seventy-four yards. Baker didn’t have his best game, which ended up being okay because he didn’t need to. It was cool seeing Odell play again; I had almost forgotten that he was more than the NFL’s version of Jake Paul with a poop fetish. Speaking of poop, ah fuck it- the joke has been done too many times. The point being, the Bears’ offense looked awful today. The only other thing I wrote down about this game is that I love third-leg-Greg in the booth. 

Broncos 26- Jets 0

4.Oh no. Zach Wilson looked…better? The Jets are a video of a kid brutally fucking up his leg on a trampoline that I can’t stop watching. Every time Zach Wilson underthrows a ball for a millisecond, I think to myself, bro, how is there not one unemployed guy in the tri-state area who played high school football that the Jets can sign. My boy Mike could play better than this, and he hasn’t taken a snap in over five years. Conversely, the Broncos continue to win against shitty teams. The Giants, The Jags, and The Jets are quite the appetizer to go 3-0. I know they have an elite defense, but I can’t wait to see what Teddy Bridgewater and co do against the Ravens next week.

Saints 28- Pats 13

5.If my Twitter timeline indicates anything, it’s that Patriots fans are not handling mediocrity with grace. Mac Jones has been an excellent game manager quarterback who has done all Belichick has asked of him thus far. Sure, it didn’t look great when he went deep today, but the kid will make adjustments with time. The most concerning part from this Pats loss came from Josh McDaniels. From our small sample size, we know that Mac Jones looks good out of the shotgun with three receivers to spread the field, so why don’t the Pats run that…ever? Another week has passed, and I still don’t know what to make of this Saints team. I think the defense is real- I think- I’m honestly not sure. Having Jameis at quarterback has reminded me of when The Office tried replacing Steve Carell. Oh, look, Will Ferrell, that’s fun- I still really wish Steve Carell didn’t leave, though. Also, this guy can’t stop making me laugh 

Chargers 30- Chiefs 24

6. In a game that determined which QB Bleacher Report would blow on Twitter this week, the LA Chargers stun Kansas City at home. Something doesn’t feel right about this Chiefs team right now. Today was the first time I’ve watched Patrick Mahomes without having full confidence that the Chiefs were going to win a game in what feels like forever. And yeah, Pat, in case you didn’t know (and regardless of how much blame is on you because it wasn’t that bad of a throw) if you throw a no-look-pass that winds up being intercepted, you’re going to look really fucking stupid. This loss just gave sports media a bone, and I’m not going to pretend the Chiefs are finished as a team, but they have some problems on their offensive line that need to be addressed before January. I almost want the Chiefs to start winning again so First Take doesn’t get to debate at nauseam. On the other hand, that was a really impressive win for the Chargers, despite Brandon Staley’s suspect clock management towards the end of the game. I don’t think anybody had the Chiefs in last place of the AFC West after week three. This will be a fun division to watch.

Bengals 24- Steelers 10

7. Did you guys know that Ja’Marr Chase and Joe Burrow played college football together? I wouldn’t have known that without it being mentioned two-thousand fucking times. I would also like to take this moment to give props to the Bengals’ offensive line because when the world spends an entire off-season shitting on one unit, they have to take accountability if there’s improvement. Joe Mixon was bruising his wa… never mind, can’t make that joke. But seriously, Big Ben has to hang it up. He looks like a cop whose two years away from getting the pension that will pay for his son’s liberal-arts education, even though his son bought heavily into ACAB and now hates him. Big Ben needs to go out Jon Daly style. I want him touring western-Pennsylvania, signing foam fingers in Hooters parking lots. I need him starring in a slightly less white-trash version of Rock of Love. He’s a dog that needs to go out to pasture.

Bills 43- WFT 21

8. Josh Allen can still be every fantasy owner’s wet dream when he wants to.

Cardinals 31- Jags 19

9. Where were you when Gus Johnson shit and came his pants at the same time? Of course, Gus Johnson would get the game with the longest play in NFL history, because why not? For the first time all year, the Jags had some bright spots. They established their run game with James Robinson getting eighty-eight yards on the ground, Trevor Lawrence had a touchdown-Jesus esque pass, and their defense kept them in the game until the final quarter. Kliff Kingsbury put his well-kempt-manscaped balls on the table and went for it on fourth down several times. Kyler continues to build on a great decision, even without a TD pass today. Next week will be an appraisal game for the Cardinals at the Rams; that’s where we will see if the holes in their secondary separate them from great to good. 

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Written by Bobby D'Angelo

TFM middle school penis game champion. Rutgers student.

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