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Another week in the books means another 11:55 PM coffee and some dip in my mouth as I recap how I spent my day watching football between apoplectic calls with Bank of America. With week four in the books, this season is finally starting to take shape. IE, we are finally figuring out who is actually good, where problems lay, and how many more times Tony Romo can make sounds reminiscent of ASMR from a Turkish brothel house before Jim Nantz says something. Here are eight takeaways from the eight games I watched for idiots by an idiot:
Don’t Let Your Kids Take Halloween Candy From Steve Belichick: Steve Belichick looks like an extra in a movie about the opioid crisis ravaging non-coastal Florida. Every year around Halloween, a political commentator from Fox will tweet out a warning to parents recommending they check their child’s candy for laced contraband, and every year the overwhelming response is “this doesn’t really happen,” but people that look like Steve Belichick make me think that maybe it actually does. Even though it was a close game, I thought it was slightly disappointing. Tom Brady missed throws because of the rain, Josh McDaniels opened up the playbook for Mac Jones sorta not really, and a bunch of big plays got called back. I get that Pats fans are optimistic because their games have stayed close, but 1-3 means three losses and not three “yeah, we lost, but Mac was with them ’til the very end” s. I know it came down for a (TRIGGER WARNING) doink, and Brady broke the passing yards record, but I wanted there to be more theatrics- the whole awkwardness of the situation was handled with too much class. I wanted a little bit more than an awkward hug that resembled me leaving Thanksgiving and hugging my aunt who heard me say some shit about her on my podcast.
I wanted Belichick visibly bothered by a Tom Brady game-winning TD drive to the injured Rob Gronkowski, I wanted a standing-ovation when he broke the touchdown record, and I wanted Richard Sherman’s father-in-law to charge the field Robin Ventura style wearing nothing but khaki pants and Timberlands.
Bucs 19- Pats 17
A Win For The Good Guys: Today in Long Island, a Hydrocodone addicted general contractor that recently lost his family and his business after taking crypto advice from some quack he follows on Twitter woke up with a little extra pep in his step. Because in my head, all Jets fans are miserable, blue-collar guys that see a long weekend drinking Busch Lite in the Poconos as a “big getaway.” Do I think Middle Eastern Vin-Diesel has turned this franchise around because their defense looks good, and Zach Wilson threw two of the best passes I’ve ever seen? Not particularly. However, if you’re a Jets fan, you have to absolutely LOVE what you saw from your team in the second half today. Sure, the Titans secondary is spottier than an Irish Bostonian’s liver during a time of economic recession, but both Zach Wilson and Corey Davis looking competent is a MAJOR step in the right direction. As for the Titans, I think this loss is no cause for concern- despite the fact it’s THE JETS. Tannehill did his best, but running seemed like the only option with fifteen million dollars worth of receivers out for this one. It’s not like Tannehill is some big-time playmaker that can make something out of nothing; he’s good when he’s surrounded by good. As for Derrick Henry, are we going to see ANOTHER 2,000-yard season? The guy is unbelievable.
Jets 27- Titans 24
The Non-Binary Saints Of NOLA: Speaking of New York, their other unremarkable football team pulled off a win today. Going into the game, the Saints owned the best October record over the last four years, with the Giants owning the worst. Between leaving NOLA with an October win and Jason Garrett not looking like he’s incapable of tying his shoes, it was a unique performance for the Giants. Saquon had one of those games that reminds me that he’s a superb talent and not just another source for arguing whether or not running backs should be drafted high. Daniel Jones did a great job getting play-action going in what continues to look like his best year as a pro. On the Saints side of things, this is how I imagine Sean Peyton looked last night re-watching Taysom Hill bully his way into the endzone.
Sean Peyton has to stop being a pussy with Jameis. The Saints got the ball back with time ON THE CLOCK in the fourth quarter, and they elected to trust their inconsistent defense over getting something rolling. The Saints remind me of how I feel whenever I go to the bathroom in bars by NYU: I don’t really know what/who they identify as or are, but I don’t have enough conviction to vocalize my thoughts. You lose a post-hurricane game after beating the living shit out of the Packers in week one? What? Also, all-time clip from the overtime coin-toss.
Giants 27- Saints 21
Assault: I genuinely did not feel comfortable watching this off of an illegal stream. I don’t know if it’s because I also found the link on Reddit, but it was the same uneasy feeling I had when a link to ISIS beheadings made its way into my high-school group chat back in the day. These teams shouldn’t be allowed to play each other. It was like watching every argument about Bishop Sycamore being unsafe for their players but in a professional setting.
Bills 40-Texans 0
Patrick Mahomes, Not In A Funk: Objectively, I don’t know what was stupider: early Sunday morning when I convinced myself that Patrick Mahomes was in a funk this year and The Eagles had a shot at winning this game, or when I fully believed I could do long distance with a girl that went to the University of Arizona. We probably shouldn’t have had Jalen Hurts drop back forty-eight times today. He played incredible, but the Chiefs were dominating possession, and we should have run the ball more to give our defense a break. I don’t know where I stand with this loss. The Chiefs are just a better team than we are, and we still managed to put thirty on them. Remember when our defense was good in week one? I MEMBAAAAAA, that was fun. As much as I hate to say it, I think that despite consecutive losses, we’re going to get a video of Jackson Mahomes and Kamala Harris to Berries and Cream at the white house.
Chiefs 42- Eagles 30
Trump/ Roethlisberger 2024: Today, I put on basketball shoes, listened to Like A G6 on full-vol, and watched Randall Cobb catch two touchdown passes- we’re living in 2012. If I’m a Packers fan, this game was the nail in the coffin that week one was a fluke. If I’m a Steelers fan, I’m making a nice slide show of pictures with Big Ben and Mike Tomlin to Good Riddance by Green Day. If I’m Big Ben, I’m already thinking about touring Pennsyltucky with Trump’s 2024 campaign. I can imagine that no quarterback has a higher cross-over between Q-anon members and people that own their jersey, so a nice little tour around western Pennsylvania and eastern Ohio might be a great way to stay relevant without taking advantage of the Steelers’ overtly loyal ownership. Juju got Tik Tok; Big Ben should get Parlor. As for the Packers, they have three easy wins incoming for the rest of October. With how horrible the NFC North has looked, you can pretty much pencil them in for a Bye in round one of the playoffs.
Packers 27- Steelers 17
Arizona Stays Hot: This Arizona offense looks unstoppable right now. I have an eerie feeling that the OnlyFans chick that blew the Phoenix Suns made her way to the offensive film room. In the first four times Kyler Murray played the Rams, he struggled to get anything going against their elite defense. Either the Rams’ defense has taken a step back, or Kyler is playing at such a ridiculous level that the Cardinals’ offense putting up well over four hundred yards isn’t a concern- I couldn’t tell you either way which take is right. What I do know is that Kyler Murray made no turnover-worthy plays in this game, and that’s scary as fuck. If he continues to reduce fifty-yard punt-esque interceptions thrown to a guy in double-coverage, he might have an MVP season. As for the Rams, I think the bromance between Matt Stafford and Cooper Kupp needs to relax a little bit. Targeting the same guy thirteen times while your other receivers are open makes it way too easy for your opponents to game plan against you.
Cardinals 37- Rams 20
Carolina Catfish: Uh oh. The Panthers, much like the time my friend went on a Tinder date with a girl who had the puppy-snapchat filter on two of her four available pictures, are not who we thought they were. Everything that sports media speculated about their defense being the surprise of the season might not be true because they looked like shit yesterday. As for Dallas, what the fuck, man? Just when everyone is saying that Tony Pollard is the Cowboys’ best running back, Zeke starts playing like he did when he was a rookie. That offensive line is a goddamn wagon again, and I’m one more Instagram story of Dak Prescott away from having a mental breakdown.
Cowboys 36- Panthers 28
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