Presenting College Bible: A Frat Boy’s Guide to Four-Year Survival. Written by me, Tim Moxey (VinegarStrokes to friends), this is a thirty-page masterpiece, if I do say so myself, that will guide you through all the major aspects of college life and how to get through it all. As I leave my college years behind, it only feels right to share the overwhelming amount of wisdom and tomfoolery I’ve picked up along the way.
Below is a snippet of College Bible. To read it all, just enter your email and hit “Sign Up”, and then we’ll send the entire thing your way.
God Bless You and God Bless America,
Book Three: Boozing, Boozing, and More Boozing
“When you come to the end of the line with a buddy who is more than a brother and a little less than a wife, getting blind drunk together is really the only way to say farewell.”
– Narrator, Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood
It’s no national secret that drinking is one of the biggest (if not the biggest) elements of college culture. Most of us spend our orientation weeks in desperate search of I-Can-Now-Talk-To-People-And-Make-Friends in a bottle, and while I wouldn’t say that spending your first weeks at college exploring the beauty of alcohol is essential to finding your group, it certainly doesn’t hurt. Four years of weekends spent partying will lead to countless nights you’ll never forget and more that you’ll probably never remember, so let’s get into the ins and outs of it.
At almost every single college in America, you have to live on campus your freshman year, which means that alcohol will be strictly prohibited in your dorm. Naturally, this is the place where the majority of your drinking will happen, and luckily for you, I’ve developed a multi-step, fool-proof plan of action to keep your drinking under wraps from nosy RAs and narcs on your floor.
Beer and anything in a can will be the hardest alcohol to transport, hide, drink, and dispose of, so personally, I recommend finding a liquor you don’t hate the taste of. It’s easy to stuff in a backpack, you can keep it hidden in a drawer, and it’s one bottle to throw away instead of thirty cans. Of course, your personal choice of drink is completely up to you, so if you’re more interested in the sweet suds of a Bud Light than ripping shots of vodka in a plastic bottle, that’s your prerogative – just know that you’re risking a little bit more.
Anytime that you drink, though, it’s important that you find some kind of reusable and sealable cup to hold your booze. Red solo cups are easy to look into and spill, so having something that prevents those two things will set you up for drinking success. Remember: you don’t have to make it impossible to tell that you’re breaking the no-booze rule; college kids are typically really stupid, so you just have to be smarter than the dickheads that are taking pulls straight from a bottle in the middle of the hallway, which is shockingly easy to do.
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