Nothing is more frustrating than somebody who doesn’t understand social cues. Whether you purposely choose the urinal next to someone or ask questions throughout the movie, not understanding the rules of society makes your face 100 times more punchable. Don’t get your face pummeled over something stupid, follow these five unspoken rules of society.
Elevator Etiquette
I’m always shocked at how few people know how to act in an elevator with strangers. It’s very simple. Here are the steps for proper elevator etiquette: walk in, press the button for your floor, ask everyone else in the elevator what floor they need, press it for them, and now just shut the fuck up. There is nothing urgent enough that needs to be discussed in this 10-square-foot box for everyone to hear. Doesn’t matter if you are about to crap yourself or even if everything suddenly clicked and you figured out who killed Tupac, act like you just saw a homeless man and don’t say shit.
Taking Things Too Far
When arguments unfold, it’s important not to get too caught up in the heat of the moment and say something off-limits. Don’t let a friendship end over some trash talk that got way out of hand. For example, if your boy beats you in 2k in front of the rest of your friends and says something along the lines of “stop playing this game you’re ass,” do not use this as an opportunity to bring up his biggest insecurity or flaw. In other words, don’t make a dumb chirp into something real. An appropriate response would be to call him ugly or tell him he may be missing a chromosome. In no way should you escalate the situation by bringing up the secret he asked you to keep, his girlfriend’s slight unibrow, or the fact that his dad just got laid off from work. Save those for the group chat you make without him.
Sports Jinxes
This is probably my biggest pet peeve in the world. When watching sports with a group, do not say anything about locks, free throws, field goals, or a team winning just because they’re the favorite. I hate jinxes so much I mute the TV during extra points just so I can’t hear Al Michaels talk about how Justin Tucker “almost never misses.” I don’t care if you think jinxes are just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo and look at me like I’m a crackhead on the subway drinking Kool-Aid out of my shoe. There have been too many times when somebody in the same room as me has called a game over only for the +1800 live underdog to make a Mud Dogs Bourbon Bowl comeback. Keep your thoughts to yourself.
Airplane Seating
If you are in the window seat on a plane, guess where you’re staying for the duration of the flight? That’s right, your goddamn seat. I don’t care if you drank one of those oversized Smartwaters or ate some suspicious looking poke in the airport, do not expect to be able to use the bathroom until you get to your destination. If I’m in the middle seat and you make me get up, I will be taking the window for the rest of the flight. It’s bad enough that the person in the middle is sitting with their knees in their stomach while they use their shoulders as a pillow. They don’t need you waking them so they can wait in the aisle for 10 minutes while you take a dump and play NBA Jam.
The Colored Emojis Aren’t For Everyone
When Apple released colored emojis, the intended audience was not white people. Obviously they couldn’t make emojis for all races but one, but I think it goes without saying that white people were supposed to stick with the classic yellow. Receiving a white thumbs up emoji just feels racist, just like making the farmer emoji black. The emojis were clearly made for people of color who have gone through years of misrepresentation. It’s sort of like payback for Crayola originally naming their tan crayon “flesh” (that’s true, google it). Sending a white emoji just emphasizes that you’re white, almost as if you’re bragging. And if modern culture has taught us anything these days, it’s that being white is far from something to be proud of.
