An Average First Day of Classes

It’s currently 7:15 am and the sound of your alarm sends you into a PTSD-induced frenzy, scrambling to find your phone so you can hit the snooze button a couple of times over. By the time you finally get out of bed, you’ve got thirteen minutes to shower, brush your teeth, and eat something before having to leave for your 8:00 am. Since thirteen minutes is clearly not enough time to do all of those things, you choose the most important and grab a protein bar from your pantry. 

Although you made it to class in time, you realize that you are severely underprepared. Your laptop is almost completely dead since you forgot to charge it after “fun time” last night and the only writing utensil you have is a Sharpie. Thankfully, you waste the next hour of your day listening to your professor ramble on about the syllabus and course expectations. And then you play a twenty-question long Kahoot game that reminds you how much of a joke business school really is. At least your professor didn’t resort to coloring books. 

After you finish your first class of the day, you’ve got a nice four-hour window before your next one. Naturally, you go back to the house to take a nap for at least three of those four hours. It’s not like you’ve got homework yet, so how else would you spend your time? Of course, half of your “nap” is just scrolling through TikTok, but sometimes you just really need a solid brain break. Once the guilt of your excessive sleeping habit starts to kick in, you hop out of bed and whip up some food (Smucker’s Uncrustable) and walk over to your second lecture of the day. 

Somehow, you forgot to grab a pencil again, but this time you actually needed it. After looking like the biggest tool of all time by asking the kid next to you for a pencil, you lock into taking notes. It always seemed like an unspoken rule for professors not to jump into heavy information on the first day of classes, but this one doesn’t really care much about that rule at all. This professor is already your least favorite of the semester and you’ve only met a third of them. 

Once you escape that god-awful class, you decide to hit the gym and be somewhat productive with your day. As soon as you step foot in the campus rec center, however, you immediately remember how awful it is to work out there. With not a single machine open in sight, you grab some dumbbells and do some exercises (poorly) that you saw a guy jacked up on steroids do on Instagram Reels. Gotta get big somehow. 

After an excruciating two hours at the gym, you grab some dinner and check to see if you have any work you need to do for your classes the next day. To your surprise, you already have two presentations, three papers, and a quiz due in two days. In spite of the fact that you promised yourself that you’d do better in school this semester, you already are inclined to throw in the towel. If you think you’re ahead in school, you’re actually behind. And if you’re behind, you’re screwed. Thoughts of your impending pain keep you up for a while before heading to bed, but once you remember that everything usually works out in the end, you fall asleep like a baby. The bowl you ripped also probably helped a little bit too.

Written by the godfather

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