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Ja’Marr Chase is Ridiculous, The Cowboys Look Like Pelosi’s Stock Portfolio, And Everything Else From Week 5

Bucs Dolphins: About a month ago, over 1400 Dolphins were slaughtered in one weekend on a Danish Island, which- as expected- sparked a considerable amount of outrage on social media. So…where the fuck were those “activists” today when Antonio Brown made black-market soup out of the Dolphins’ secondary? Trying to Tweet Dave Chapelle off of Netflix? Speaking of generational talent, with how exposed some of the Chief’s weaknesses have become this year, I’d bet my house (cross out) the apartment I struggle to pay rent for on Tommy Terrific becoming the first NFL QB to have as many rings as Elizabeth Taylor. On the bright side for Dolphins fans, Jacoby Brissett, is sort of looking like your side-chick that fucks better than your girlfriend. Even banged up, he played pretty well by all accounts today. 

Bucs 45- Dolphins 17

Eagles Panthers: Am I happy that the Eagles won? Of course. Am I happier that the media will finally have to stop sucking Joe Brady’s dick for ten minutes? Yes. If I have to hear one more fucking thing about Joe Brady, LSU, or that he’s “not going to be in town for a while,” I’m going to drive to ESPN’s HQ in Bristol, tie Dan Orlovsky to a radiator, and set the whole thing on fire Love The Way You Lie style (for legal reasons this is a joke). By the way, in the spirit of October, Sam Darnold has turned back into a pumpkin. Darnold threw for three picks (two of which to Darius Slay Bitch Slay), missed a ton of throws, and looked uncomfortable overall. It’s almost like the Giants, Saints, and Texans aren’t good teams. As for the Eagles, this was a messy, disgusting win. Nick Sirianni’s play calling is still about as questionable as Drake’s relationship with Millie Bobby Brown, and the guy likes running about as much as the fat girl in middle school that had hot Cheeto dust on her fingers and bug bites down her thighs. Thirteen called run plays? That’s what the Ravens execute on one fucking drive. Great bounce back by the Eagles’ defense, but time will tell if beating the McCaffreyless Panthers actually meant anything.

Eagles 21- Panthers 18

Packers Bengals: Obviously, the storyline today was kicking. Mike Golic Jr summed up this game perfectly with one tweet. 

I’m glad Mason Crosby had the mental fortitude to go back out there and hit the game-winner after missing three kicks in a row, but fuck man, I feel like you can’t miss three field goals that would have put the game away if your hair is that grey. I know being a kicker in a state where football is literally all your fans have has to be stressful, but he looks like somebody with Parkinson’s tried to apportion touch-of-grey on themself. My favorite part of the game? When the Bengals’ kicker celebrated a game-winning kick…that he missed.

 I don’t know where the Bengals stand after this loss. They have convincingly beaten the Steelers, almost tied the Packers, yet lost to the Bears and barely beat the Jaguars last week. Right now, they are reminiscent of a girl I see on Hinge that looks really hot blonde, but she’s brunette in most of her pictures. I don’t know what to do with that. Before I let this game go, Davante Adams and Ja’Marr Chase are getting ridiculous. 

Packers 25- Bengals 22

Cowboys Giants: When the three guys on the front of your season tickets are done for the game before the fourth quarter, you probably aren’t going to win the game. Also, you probably aren’t going to win the game because you’re the New York Giants. Unfortunately, I think this Cowboys team is the best one they’ve fielded since Tony Romo’s final NFL season. Still, at least the Yankees are out of playoffs, so that repugnant population of America will only have the Lakers to parlay their happiness with. In the Jason Garrett revenge game, Kedarious Tony made like an NYU kid with a little bit of Twitter clout by having a BIG coming-out party. On the other side of the ball, Trevon Diggs only wants one thing, and it’s literally disgusting. I seriously don’t remember watching a cornerback that was this exciting since Revis was in his prime. The Cowboys’ offensive line continues to be outstanding, and I’m about as bullish on this Cowboys team as Nancy Pelosi’s stock portfolio. 

Cowboys 44- Giants 20

Texans Pats: Think about how exhausting it is to coach the Houston Texans. Just to stay competitive, you’re constantly running trick plays and getting people in motion because it’s simply the only way you have a chance to win ball games. I want to give a quick shoutout to Davis Mills because if I was a scout team quarterback that spent the last three weeks getting chewed up by Twitter, I’d want my credit when I threw for over three hundred yards and no interceptions. To be candid, the illegal streaming service I used to watch this game was shaky, and god knows Scott Hanson avoided this like the plague, so I wish I had more to say other than the Patriots NEEDED this win

Pats 25- Texans 22

Chargers Browns: This was the game of the week. Six touchdowns in the fourth quarter, a shootout between the Browns’ ground game versus Justin Herbert, and a few blown calls made this a fantastic watch. How was this a PI AGAINST cornerback A.J. Green? I don’t know. 

In a game that surpassed one-thousand-yards, that was the first time in my life I not only saw a running back intentionally not score a touchdown and a defense answer by forcing Austin Ekeler into the end zone. The match-up between Stefanski and Brandon Staley was one reminiscent of you and your buddy from high school finding out which one of you could outdrink the other after your first semester in college. These guys were more aggressive on fourth-down play calls than an Italian from New Jersey with a high sex drive and multiple bible-verse tattoos. If I’m a Browns fan, I’m pretty encouraged to know that my offense isn’t as shitty as it looked last week. Nick Chubb is having a career year, and David Njoku looks like a fucking monster. If I’m a Chargers fan, I’m happy leaving Cleveland with four wins under my belt and a twenty-three-year-old quarterback that’s playing with poise well beyond his years. This Chargers team, like Chris Brown, can beat anyone. 

Chargers 47- Browns 42

49ers Cardinals: The most impressive part about this win from the Cardinals is that their defense showed up in a game where Kyler and their electric offense was quiet. They sort of played like a guy who takes a really hot girl home, gets whiskey dick, but engages in enough cunnilingus to secure a date for next week. While Trey Lances’ first start could have gone better, I think it was an encouraging enough performance to keep fans excited about the future. However, he DOES have to do a better job at protecting himself. The last time an NDSU quarterback played overly aggressive football, well… 

Great job by the Cardinals’ defense. The ONLY undefeated team remaining in the NFL.

Cardinals 17- 49ers 10

Bills Chiefs: Ummmm, the Chiefs defense sucks. They came into the game ranked thirty-second in the NFL, and because PFF has a You esque obsession with Patrick Mahomes, Kansas City was still favored. Josh Allen continues to be the most lovable quarterback in the NFL, and with drastic improvement on the defensive line from a year ago, it’s starting to feel like the ’90s in Buffalo all over again. If I’m a Chiefs fan, I’m fucking worried. I know Chris Jones was out, but they are giving up almost thirty-three points a game this year. With all the blown coverages and deep-plays considered, of course, Patrick Mahomes and their offensive line is going to falter when they can’t even get a second to catch their breath. Steve Spagnuolo has his work cut out for him. Oh, I forgot to mention, Dan Sorensen has got to go. 

Bills 38- Chiefs 20

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