RedZone Roundup: Week Five

Hey, I’m late on my cycle… for posting the RedZone Roundup. I’m not pregnant. I just took a long weekend. Here’s what happened on Sunday though.

Bills vs. Jaguars

The Jaguars suck this year, which is a shame for Doug Pederson fans like myself. That being said, they played in England, which is the only country where they have any home field advantage, so they beat the Bills.

Saints vs. Patriots

A team led by Derek Carr beat a team coached by Bill Belichick in a 34-0 massacre. We’re officially living in a simulation. 

Titans vs. Colts

In Johnathon Taylor’s first game back, the Colts leaned on the running game for a victory over the Titans, as Zack Moss rushed for 165 yards and two touchdowns. 

Ravens vs. Steelers

The Ravens dropped eight passes and a close game. More interestingly, Matt Canada didn’t even call the play that won the Steelers the game. He’s quickly becoming the worst Canada in North America.

Panthers vs. Lions

In terms of soup, the Panthers are cream of broccoli. The Lions aren’t quite lobster bisque, but they’re a nice chicken noodle. This went as expected. 

Texans vs. Falcons

Desmond Ridder played a good football game. It was on October 8, 2023, in case you want to mark that day in your calendar. 

Giants vs. Dolphins

The Giants are the embodiment of that one scene in Fight Club where Ed Norton beats the hell out of himself in front of his boss. The Dolphins didn’t even play that well, all things considered. 

Bengals vs. Cardinals

Joe Burrow threw three touchdowns to Jamarr Chase. Are the Bengals finally turning a corner, or is Johnathon Gannon done pretending to be a qualified head coach?

Eagles vs. Rams

Go Birds. 5-0. There has never been a better Jalen duo than Jalen Hurts and Jalen Carter, and I think this is a fact.

Jets vs. Broncos

The Jets won. More importantly, Nathaniel Hackett won the weirdest coaching beef of all time. No matter how bad you think the Broncos are, they’re worse. 

Chiefs vs. Vikings

The Chiefs snuck out a win on the Vikings, and Justin Jefferson suffered an injury that will keep him out for an extended period of time. Go dance on the grave of the guy in your league who flexed about the number one pick. 

Cowboys vs. 49ers

Dak threw three picks, and they were all ugly. I know that the 49ers are playing the best football in the league right now, but who are we kidding? Dallas looked awful, and that was awesome.

Packers vs. Raiders

Jordan Love is going to break the trend of franchise quarterbacks passing off the torch to each other in Green Bay. Also, Marcus Peters won the game for the Raiders with a smart horse collar tackle that allowed the Raiders defense to force a field goal. Anyone who calls that play anything other than brilliant is a closeted Roger Goodell fan.

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Written by TFM

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