You’re reading that right. Some of us here at TFM are in a fantasy football league. We’re competing to not come in last and be punished in a hilariously awful way, so as the season unfolds, I’ll be giving you weekly rundowns of the fantasy matchups. The teams were drafted completely randomly, but there’s only six of us so each team is pretty good. Here’s week one and two summarized.
Game 1: VinegarStrokes vs. Conall
Me – 168.42
Conall – 87.94
Conall is pretty open about the fact that he doesn’t know much about fantasy football, and it really showed in his week one debut. A lot of his team underperformed, but ultimately he was just no match for the long dick of my fantasy football team.
Henry – 129.28
Toby – 105.12
Toby fell victim to the Packers having a historically bad game, and got a combined 5.5 points from Aaron Rodgers and Aaron Jones, which pretty much gifted Henry an easy victory when He only needed a measly three or so points out of Darren Waller to win the game. Waller, of course, put up 26.5 and secured Henry’s dub.
Game 3: Mailman Dave vs. Birdlaw
Dave – 132.06
Bobby – 122.1
Kyler Murray is a bad man, and a combined almost 50 points from him and Travis Kelce propelled Dave to victory in week one. Bobby’s team put up a solid showing, but with only DeAndre Hopkins breaking 20 points, it wasn’t enough to beat Dave
Game 1: VinegarStrokes vs. Henry
Henry – 134.02
Me – 123.4
Most of my team put up a pretty good showing this week, but I got fucked pretty hard by a 5.9-point game out of Tyreek Hill and ended up scoring the fewest points. I needed Mahomes to outscore Tyreek by fewer than seven points, but instead I got three receptions for fourteen yards instead, giving Henry the satisfaction of dominating me in week two.
Game 2: Mailman Dave vs. Conall
Conall – 133.16
Dave – 133.0
This one was tight. Conall took home his first fantasy win this week, and he can give all the glory to Clyde Edwards-Helaire for the 2.6 points he put up that made it just enough to take down Dave this week. I’m sure Dave was punching the fuck out of his couch when Baltimore got the fourth down conversion Butker wouldn’t get a fieldgoal attempt to give him the dub.
Toby – 165.1
Bobby – 131.6
Bobby’s team got boned pretty hard by the combined almost 69 (nice) points that Aaron Rodgers and Aaron Jones put up, making up big time for the huge disappointment they were for him last week. Bobby left a few points on the bench, but there was not much to say he should’ve done differently at the end of the day.
Fantasy football can pretty much be described like this: