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The USMNT Won The Gold Cup Immediately Partied In Vegas And Drank Out Of The Trophy

Nobody cares about soccer in America until we win something, then everybody turned into a Patriot in 1775. Patriotism flows through everybody’s bodies, and we are ready to rip every country to shred. What better way to celebrate after winning the Gold Cup than partying in Vegas, having a champagne slip and slide in the locker room, and drinking out of the cup. I’m not even gonna pretend to know what the Gold Cup is, but I’ll take the W. Up, and tighty Europeans will say that the Gold Cup doesn’t matter, that this is a made-up tournament, fuck that bullshit. We win we party; those are the rules. We kicked Mexico’s ass for the second time in a row, and what better way to rub it in their face than by hitting up the clubs.

I pride myself on knowing a lot about all four major sports, but I don’t know anything about soccer. Do I know what happened here? Nope, but I know it’s fucking awesome.

Drinking out of a trophy has to be the coolest thing known to mankind. Who cares that it’s probably disgusting after it’s touched 100 sweaty hands. The grossest man can be drinking out of that thing, and I would chug right after their lips left the metal. It’s a tradition with the Stanley Cup, and you should be able to drink out of every trophy. We have seen athletes try to do luges off the Super Bowl trophy, but that’s not the same. We need a trophy with a big ass bowl on the top so players can drink out of it. Fill that bitch with some ice-cold beer, and everybody will line up.

The World Cup is a little over a year away, and it’s time to qualify for that so we can keep the party going. Shit, even if we only qualify, that’s an excuse to party.

Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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