Adulting is hard. Here are things I miss about childhood.
Little League
Watching the Phillies win a playoff baseball game has made me want to put on batting gloves more than anything. There might not be a better point in a boy’s life then the end of his little league career. I’m talking about the point where kids start hitting home runs and learning how to say some cuss words. I don’t think I’ve had as much fun since.
Nike Elite Socks
Wasn’t it the best when fashion was simply just matching the color t-shirt you were wearing to the pair of Nike Elite socks you had picked out for the day. I don’t know how any of us convinced our parents to buy these, or found an extra fifteen dollars for socks in eighth grade. But I think the mystery behind it is a part of their magic.
The NFL “Pick Me” Campaign
This was the best campaign for any company ever. It was a bunch of NFL players pulling off impossible athletic accomplishments with the help of cheap CGI to promote fantasy football. The Chris Cooley one where he punches threw dry wall and catches a pass with one hand is my favorite, but they were all good. This was the meat and potatoes of my YouTube diet when I thought I was The Black Eyed Peas number one fan.
The Recess/Lunch Combo
The best combinations of all time, in no particular order: Jordan/Pippen. Peanut butter/jelly. Recess/lunch. When did you have more fun in your life. My school always did recess first. This meant that we could create an intense basketball or kickball rivalry before heading in for a postgame meal and our version of a press conference. Summarizing the game and throwing all boundaries to the wind for a good roast is just as fun as recess itself.
Not Being Attracted to Girls
I’d imagine drug addicts fondly remember the times before they ever indulged in colorless powders. Or they don’t, I don’t know. Either way, this is how I view my relationship with women. I am desperately seeking their attention, and never able to get enough of it. I envy my former self for caring more about regular season baseball than text responses.
Having Someone Wipe for You
I can’t afford a bidet. This means I long for the days others would clean me in those moments where I find a tiny brown streak on my thumb. Imagine if you could have someone wipe you now. You could happily scroll your phone and be alerted when you are good to stand up. I honestly believe more people miss this, but it has become socially taboo to request it.
