I have a pretty strict schedule that revolves around staying up until three and then trying to still acquire eight hours of sleep. As a result, I’m late to most places. People like to frame this as a negative tendency. I disagree, I think it has simply made me incredible at giving excuses. Here are some I give for being late, vs. what they actually mean.
Excuse:
I’m so sorry I’m late. My car broke down on the way here. I had to walk the rest of the way.
Reality:
I was late to class because my Monday Night Football hangover required a wake and bake this morning. I figured showing up fifteen minutes late not stoned was better than showing up stoned on time.
Excuse:
I apologize for my tardiness. I had to wait for my roommate in the shower.
Reality:
I was prepared to go to class, but had zero desire to do so. Instead, I got high with my roommate before the worst part of my week to calm my nerves.
Excuse:
My apologies. I was meeting with another professor for office hours and lost track of time.
Reality:
Have you heard of The Professor on YouTube. He’s a short white dude who pulls off some crazy street ball moves on the internet. Anyways, I got high and lost track of time watching one of his videos.
Excuse:
Hi, I’m so sorry I was late. I was dealing with a family emergency this morning.
Reality:
I’m a member of my family, no? So when I’m sitting on a toilet in agony due to my desire to get a full day’s worth of calories from a stoned Domino’s order, I would classify that as a family emergency. Not that I have to tell you the truth anyway, but just know that I technically am.
Excuse:
I apologize for being late, I’ve been really overwhelmed recently and I’m really busy.
Reality:
We’re past the second week of class, meaning no one is taking my seat in the back corner. That essentially means the time you want to start class is essentially a suggestion. I now call the shots, and it’s the last time I give you an excuse. Also, I’m stoned.
