What Animal You Would Be In The Animal Kingdom

Lion (Investment Bankers):

Lions are sick. You see a Lion in the wild, and you’re like, I don’t want to fuck with that guy. They are vicious, focused animals that care about the task at hand. Male Lions live in groups of three male Lions, a dozen female Lionesses, and some babies. That’s a sick-ass ratio. That’s just some fellas playing Disco Lines and bragging about the Christmas bonus over at Credit Suisse amongst some shot of Espolon. If Lions could wear vests, they would. That being said, Lions also last ten seconds in the bedroom and because they eat eighteen pounds of meat daily, they start to beef up. Their hair starts thinning; they work overtime hunting, so they start Doordashing antelope to the office, and before they even know it, they’ve gone up a few belt loops. And then, eventually, a younger line comes and takes their place in the pack.

Bloggers (Blobfish):

I’m a blogger. I love blogging. That being said, it’s the grossest occupation. Not only does your physical health decline from sitting in front of a screen all day getting told what beat to write and picking up stories as you skip the gym, but from continuously consuming news with political bias, you also go crazy. It’s an easy job that people make hard, including myself. And most of us end up resembling a blobfish. 

Zebra (Your Girlfriend):

Zebras can’t sleep alone, and If Zebra had thumbs, they would 100% have an Instagram dedicated to their disposable camera pictures.

Peacocks (Real Estate Agents):

Peacocks are beautiful animals. For a time, I had a family member who owned one, and I would sit next to its cage for minutes on end, simply looking at one of God’s gifts to earth. The thing about Peacocks also is that they aren’t that bright. I’m touring apartments right now, and when I find myself talking to anyone in Real Estate, I like the conversation to stick to real estate. The point of a real estate agent is to be a good-looking person in a place where I want to live. If the apartment has a working oven and a toilet that doesn’t clog, I’ll probably take it anyway but having an attractive person give me the keys really takes it to the finish line. It leads to me subconsciously thinking I will look like them if I live in this place, and sometimes the broker fees are thousands of dollars. There’s a reason why every person on a reality TV show is a real estate agent or a model, and it’s because they aren’t that bright, but they are beautiful people, and we all want to be beautiful people. When I would look at my Grandma’s Peacock, I wouldn’t ask it for its opinions about Palestine or have them tell me which parts of Ted Lasso made them cry, I just wanted to watch it walk around its big ass cage. 

Koalas (OnlyFans Girls): 

Koalas are debatably the cutest animal in the world; you can’t look at one and be sad. That being said, they carry chlamydia, and they don’t do much. Now, I know that sex work isn’t enjoyable, and it can be supremely uncomfortable to do. Still, I’ve been open about selling feet pictures to closeted Saudi Arabians during the pandemic, and it sucked, but it wasn’t hard. My next job was loading thirties at a liquor store. One made me sweat and go home with an aching back, and the other felt weird. If Koalas could sit at home, eat takkies, and post thirst traps…they would. Koalas would also probably have bots that would ruin Instagram.  

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