In case you are living in a bubble, the most unbearable demographic in the United States got trapped in a giant field of mud this weekend. This group is the attendees of Burning Man, and a storm turned their campsite into a brown puddle. For several days, cars were trapped leaving people with nothing to do other than kill their stashes of drugs to wait out the weather. It was bad.
The worst thing about this weekend for those who were trapped, is that they were forced to be together. Attendees of Burning Man are notorious for sharing unwanted drug stories to anyone who will listen. It’s not because the experience is that great, but because the people there are the worst people on the planet. I believe this Tweet from criminally underrated stand-up comedian Sam Morril summarizes the issue.
Here is a list of ways I’d rather spend a weekend than trapped at Burning Man.
- Defend Donald Trump’s Presidency to a group of freshman girls at a liberal arts school
- Listen to my sixteen-year-old self explain the nuances of my fantasy football team
- Eat a full jar of Jif peanut butter
- Show my high school crush what I currently look like without a shirt (it hasn’t improved since then)
- Explaining to my younger cousins the complexities of the birds and the bees
- Chaperone a junior prom with Wander Franco
- Tell Skip Bayless that LeBron James is the GOAT
- Show my mother my internet search history
- Tell Quentin Tarantino that movie and film mean the same thing
- Attempt to find a sexual partner at a club without a drop of alcohol
- Show my father the movie Moonlight
- Dye my hair blue and attend a Ron DeSantis rally
- Take a Cialis and join my grandmother’s bridge game
- Watch Boogie Nights with my extended family
- Critique the fairness of a Jose Ramirez take out slide
- Use the other hand when pleasuring myself
- Use any cheese other than American on a burger
- Go on a romantic getaway with Jackson Mahomes
- Talk to Britney Spears about anything at all
- Allow Christian Bale to give me dental surgery in preparation for his next role
