20 Ways I’d Rather Spend a Weekend Than at Burning Man

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In case you are living in a bubble, the most unbearable demographic in the United States got trapped in a giant field of mud this weekend. This group is the attendees of Burning Man, and a storm turned their campsite into a brown puddle. For several days, cars were trapped leaving people with nothing to do other than kill their stashes of drugs to wait out the weather. It was bad. 

The worst thing about this weekend for those who were trapped, is that they were forced to be together. Attendees of Burning Man are notorious for sharing unwanted drug stories to anyone who will listen. It’s not because the experience is that great, but because the people there are the worst people on the planet. I believe this Tweet from criminally underrated stand-up comedian Sam Morril summarizes the issue. 

Here is a list of ways I’d rather spend a weekend than trapped at Burning Man.

  1. Defend Donald Trump’s Presidency to a group of freshman girls at a liberal arts school
  2. Listen to my sixteen-year-old self explain the nuances of my fantasy football team
  3. Eat a full jar of Jif peanut butter
  4. Show my high school crush what I currently look like without a shirt (it hasn’t improved since then)
  5. Explaining to my younger cousins the complexities of the birds and the bees
  6. Chaperone a junior prom with Wander Franco
  7. Tell Skip Bayless that LeBron James is the GOAT
  8. Show my mother my internet search history
  9. Tell Quentin Tarantino that movie and film mean the same thing
  10. Attempt to find a sexual partner at a club without a drop of alcohol
  11. Show my father the movie Moonlight
  12. Dye my hair blue and attend a Ron DeSantis rally
  13. Take a Cialis and join my grandmother’s bridge game
  14. Watch Boogie Nights with my extended family
  15. Critique the fairness of a Jose Ramirez take out slide
  16. Use the other hand when pleasuring myself
  17. Use any cheese other than American on a burger
  18. Go on a romantic getaway with Jackson Mahomes
  19. Talk to Britney Spears about anything at all
  20. Allow Christian Bale to give me dental surgery in preparation for his next role

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