“Dude, we could absolutely do Impractical Jokers.”
No, you really couldn’t. For me it’s not so much that all of us wouldn’t be willing to be an asshole to random people – especially if you had the ability to say, “Oh, it’s for a TV show,” after doing it. It’s really that those guys can hold it together way better than all of the rest of us. There’s no way that I could look a person in the eyes and seriously try to get them to cover up a fart for me, but those guys can. That’s not even to mention how creative they are. It can’t be replicated, but we’ll always like to think that we can do it.
“We totally need to start a podcast.”
This one usually comes a few beers deep after you and your friend have a somewhat amusing back and forth. How could people not want to listen to that? It rarely ever comes to fruition, but it gets tossed around left and right anytime you land a good joke with the fellas.
“Honestly, this feels like a lock.”
Nope. Your $1 to win $5,000, 14-leg parlay is not a lock, and it’s never going to be. But all guys have a tendency to convince themselves that they are some kind of reincarnation of Rain Man. Then you miss by ten legs and claim that Vegas is out to get you, which they are, but let’s face it, you’re not even close to their best competition. I don’t even know if they’d consider you competition at all.
“She definitely wants me, dude.”
The drunk girl that gave you her snap and is now responding once every five hours in the light of day? The one who sends pictures of her ceiling when you ask what she’s up to that night? The one that tells you she’s staying in but then posts herself doing shots with the bartender later that night? Probably not. But also, she might just be playing hard to get, so stay strong, king. It will go your way soon enough.
“All girls fucking suck. I don’t need them anyway.”
At your most down bad moment, when entering a woman seems more impossible than ever before, and when you don’t get a like from a girl you don’t even think is attractive, is when this sentence won’t so much be said, but proclaimed. You’ll treat it like a new life chapter. You won’t worry about girls and what they think. They will no longer be the sole focus of your mind – they won’t even be a focus at all. That is, until you’re a few beers deep and a girl with a heartbeat and a fully functioning vagina shows any interest in you. Then it’s back to sentence number four. Then we rinse and repeat.
Stay strong, and hang dong, fellas.