Dear friend,
How about them Orioles? Anyway, I find your Mother very attractive and you’re being sent this Tik Tok because I want to clear the air. I respect you. I can’t imagine how hard it was to have been picked up from practice as other eighth grade boys looked on with feverish excitement at the Toyota Highlander driven by a woman that looked like Pam Anderson in her prime. It would have been the best part of my day (haha). Having a hot Mom builds character, and I see a lot of that in you. If my Mom looked like yours, my LinkedIn account would undoubtedly look better than it does. Your Dad seems like a cool guy too. The few times we’ve met, I thought both his Columbia fleece and the fake little golf swing he does when he doesn’t know what to do with his hands were awesome. With that being said, whenever I speak to your Mom, I see a little flicker in her eyes that tells me she wants a youthful spark to light the embers of her desire.
I see a connection between your Mom and me. Of course, we would want you to be part of the picture. I wouldn’t just be a Step-Dad; I’d be a friend. Most times, people don’t like their Step-Dads because they give advice without basis, but since we are roughly the same age, that wouldn’t be a problem for us. I would know the girls you are having trouble with because we are in many of the same social circles. Now, I wouldn’t expect you to respect me immediately, but sometimes to please your Mother, I’d have to keep you in line. I see a future of us playing catch in the yard as my wife cooks us both something splendid. Imagine having a Step-Dad that knows how to build in Fortnite? How awesome is that?! I also wouldn’t make your children call me something stupid like Gumpa or some shit. Grandpa works just fine. As for your Dad, I’m okay with him coming to the house he put a downpayment on for the Holidays, possibly even a big family dinner once a month. I know you’re my friend to the very end, and friends support each other’s decisions, no matter how hard they are. I know you want what’s best for me, so I know you’re probably going to be totally cool with this. I hope our discourse is both positive and mature after this gets sent your way.
Yours Truly,
Step-Daddio (or you can call me by my name I really don’t care)
