I’m back home from Vegas and can speak in coherent sentences again. That wasn’t a brag about how fucked up I got over the weekend, I’m saying it was literally difficult to communicate at the airport yesterday. I felt like buddy the elf, clocking a solid 40 minutes of sleep a night.
The funniest part is that while most of the trip is an honest to god blur, there are things that still stand out very clearly in my mind. They just so happen to take the form of quotes I either heard, said, or read, that I cannot stop thinking about and also perfectly define my weekend in Las Vegas.
“Can I help you?” – Tao Nightclub Bouncer
This may have been one of the worst things I’ve ever heard in my life. God forbid me and my buddy walked with some girls we met at the Venetian pool up to an exclusive section of the Tao Nightclub. The girls walked right up to the spot and the bouncer let them through. Me and my guy were in the middle of this chick pack, so I guess we figured we had the same shot of getting into this section as the girls did. Shore.
The second me and my buddy came into frame, the bouncer dropped this tight velvet rope so fucking fast. It practically fell out of the sky. He then looked at me and my friend, like we were crazy, and asked, “Can I help you?”
Honestly, I would have preferred him to say, “fuck off” just because it would have been more to the point. But instead, this guy wore this genuine look of confusion, wondering as to where me and my friend could possibly want to go. Where do you fucking think I’m trying to go? You think I got lost finding the bathroom, you fucking doucheface?
Can I help you. My fucking ass. Help yourself and take off that youth small black t-shirt, you probably will feel a lot nicer and more generous with a better breathing ability.
“Let’s bet it all.” – I said this
I really enjoyed the part of the trip where I decided to bet a large sum of my Vegas winnings on the color black at the roulette table right before I left. The outcome was red.
And then I went home.
“Well… I just won that.” – A friend of mine
This was said by my friend and this quote kind of encompasses Vegas’s grip on society as a whole. I’ve always admired, and in many ways feared, how Vegas can very accurately predict the lines and scores of sports games. That’s why I tend to bet less on sports and more on what I thought I could control: card games. Especially Blackjack.
Boy, what a stupid thing to think. The real truth of Vegas is that if you play long enough, statistically, the house always wins.
My buddy was up a pretty decent amount after playing Blackjack for close to an hour. He began to lose many hands in a row, but still had a decent amount left that he profited from. He declared that the next hand would be his last hand. Sure enough, he got blackjack. He looked at me and a shit eating grin formed on his face. He said, “Well… I just won that,” before sliding over a pile of his winnings onto the felt table, only to lose it all a few hands later. Vegas just finds a way to keep you hanging just long enough for the house to gut you.
“You have insufficient funds.” – The Bank of America mobile app
This was a fun read at the Las Vegas Airport. I really enjoyed the part when I had to drink the kaka water out of the airport bathroom sink because I was thirsty.
“Has anyone seen Robert?” – some distressed woman
I personally don’t know Robert, but while I was at the bar, I overheard a distressed woman looking for a man named Robert, presumably her husband. I can only imagine Robert was hiding from her. He probably felt safer in the arms of the bouncer than he did being tied to her leash.
I don’t know much about him, but I do know that I’d hate to be Robert.