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CSI Boulder: CDs, TikToks, and Arson

Alright, so last week was kind of nuts. While a literal polar ice storm cruised through and froze most of the U.S., pretty much curb-stomping Texas, one college campus had an all-time strange week and it kind of flew under the national radar. And I say this because you couldn’t write this shit any better in a feature film, let alone this happened at a well known University last week

Let’s talk about Colorado University at Boulder. 

Gorgeous campus, the people are terrific, the air is crisp, and the indoor plumbing system for student housing is a fucking nightmare; it checks off a ton of boxes for being a great school. 

Oh, add a few twisted and psychotic cockrags to that list as well. 

While my friends that go to Boulder told me what happened from their perspectives, literally most of my information about this story comes from this guy MTVPhil or whatever the hell his name is. I didn’t even know MTV was still in business, but I guess they are, so that’s cool. I don’t know, ask Phil, he might know more than I do.

Anywho, Philip here put together a couple clean TikTok videos that pretty clearly explained what went down. He made more, but I’m only going to put in one because if I watch anymore TikToks about Boulder, I might start pulling my teeth out.

TikTok doesn’t work on my Blackberry, so someone else had to show me these videos on their phones. In other words, I’m getting all my information from Phil, so don’t hate me, hate Phil. Actually don’t hate Phil, I’m sure he’s a fine dude. You know what, don’t hate anyone for that matter. I’m just saying don’t give me any grief right now. 

I’ve had a hell of a week after my buddy got in a lawsuit with Bed Bath and Beyond for defecating in one of their display shitters. I have to testify in front of a judge saying that you can’t blame my buddy for what he did, but rather blame Arby’s for what they did to his colon

Anyways.

So last week, a couple of goons were walking around Boulder’s Greek Row and dropped off these CDs at various houses, taping them to the doors, windows, and so on. At first glance, most of the audio from the CDs was inaudible. 

No problem here. Could have fooled me for a little Valentine’s Day CD-sex.

It didn’t take long, however, for people to identify that some of the audio on these CDs contained dialogue and content from a specific episode of Criminal Minds, an episode where the crimes involved an arsonist who burned down buildings. 

Again, no problem. Definitely getting a little weird, but you know, sometimes shit happens that you just can’t explain. Like how we all pay thousands of dollars to go to college to get a degree while some 9 year old YouTuber made 30 million last year.

Okay well shit hit the fucking fan when the houses that got CDs mysteriously had their water systems shut off. In addition, number combinations and clues were discovered, as people eventually identified these number combinations to be variations of 2/19. February 19th. A date. We got guys teasing arson, houses with faulty water systems, and now there’s a fucking date in the mix.

Alright, now we have a problem. The gloves are off.

Next thing you know, security guards are posted at almost every house on campus and Boulder is starting to feel like Gotham City.

After Boulder Police got involved and the aspiring private investigators of TikTok and CU Greek Life hit the lab, the codes were eventually cracked. This of course happened after everyone on Greek Row most definitely made a caca in their pants. 

The word around the street is that it was just a couple of goons that wanted a little attention and created a scavenger hunt to put greek affiliates on the edge of their seats for a couple days. It was just a prank.

I mean christ, what happened to forking someone’s yard. 

As far as the water systems shutting down, we still don’t know. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. After all, their plumbing systems were already so notoriously bad, I’ve seen guys walk into their bathrooms, ready to drop an absolute growler, carrying umbrellas. 

But man what a prank, can’t wait for the next one! Hopefully this doesn’t start some new trend where you can get out of committing a felony by saying it was just a prank.

“Dylan, why did you just knife that librarian?”

“Don’t worry, Officer, I was just joking.”

“No but Dylan… I just saw you knife that librarian.”

“Well technically, yes, I did knife the librarian, and he’s likely in critical condition now, but my intentions were humorous. To me it was just a joke, therefore in the eyes of the law, it’s a prank.”

“Oh, well thanks for clearing it up. In that case, have a great day, Dylan!”

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Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

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