Anytime I write a blog that even somewhat generalizes women, I get a bunch of really offended girls in my Instagram DMs telling me that I can’t do that. Can’t do what, Jennnaa👹👹? OBVIOUSLY, this won’t be about EVERY girl, just like the blogs I write typically aren’t about EVERY guy. I’m clearly just making fun of the girls I know pretty well. Fuck you, go back to listening to The Smiths!
Thrifting: Really? You like the band Poison? On the one hand, if you do listen to their music, you have a dog shit taste in music…but if you don’t, why are you wearing a shirt from their 1988 tour? The other day I saw my girlfriend wearing a Washington Nationals 2005 tee-shirt. They went 500 that year. They weren’t even contenders for the playoffs, and she’s from New Jersey. “Why are you wearing that?” Ummm because I like it. Shit makes no sense, yet I have no argument against her. I can’t get mad over a $3 tee-shirt that once belonged to an obese forty-nine-year-old man who lives in the DMV area.
Pretending They Are Best Friends With Their Big/Littles: You guys have known each other for MAYBE, MAYBE two-weeks, yet you captioned your picture, “Couldn’t live without this one.” You lived without her for the first NINETEEN years of your life. You BARELY know this chick. Imagine if a pledge was to do that on big-little reveal night. “Couldn’t live without him,” uhhh yo what the fuck is wrong with you A, and B if you don’t get my laundry done in the next fifteen minutes, I’m going to make you wish you were never born. Figure it the fuck out, pledge.
Chunky Shoes: I don’t know where and how this started, but I can’t make it a day on my Instagram feed without a girl from U Miami or Arizona State wearing a neon bikini and some Patrick Ewing ass sneakers. I get criticized by the girls I’m friends with all the time for wearing these.
Can someone please explain to me how my shoes are the more offensive ones when they are wearing THESE?
Why is this your uniform to do cocaine in?
How did this happen? And who made this cool? Why does every white girl have as many Air Force Ones as Dr. Dre?
Charcuterie: Making a charcuterie (they think it’s hilarious to refer to it as Shark-Cootchie) board can make seven young women forget that they went through five bottles of wine on a Monday night. But let’s be honest here, it’s fucking delicious. Every time my girlfriend takes that wooden board out, I know that I’m going to end up on the toilet with my hands on my kneecaps like I’m D Rose game one of the 2011 playoffs (too soon, I’m sorry). Cured-pork, some cheeses you can’t pronounce, and jam on a cracker could make just about anybody forget that they’re lactose intolerant. The only thing I don’t understand about this fad is the amount of effort that girls my age put into a charcuterie board. It’s almost like there’s this unwritten competition over whose Instagram story will have the best presentation. It’s not like Gordon Ramsey is sitting there tapping away through the different friend groups of SDT, judging you guys mercilessly on what your final boomerang looks like. A majority of the time, only half the damn thing gets consumed anyway.
Enjoying Pimple Popping Videos: I’m 90% positive I once had a girlfriend that only liked me because I had acne. It’s so satisfying to watch. WHAT?! That shit is disgusting. How on Earth are you enjoying scrolling through an entire doctor’s Tik Tok of him squeezing red bumps until all the pus comes out? Whenever I pop a pimple, I cringe so hard my toes curl up, yet girls are just licking their lips watching some random person’s face get mutilated.
Murder Mysteries: The interest women have taken in the past five years with murder-mysteries is truly pre-crime. I think everybody has a little bit of a morbid itch; whenever anybody talks about a must-watch disgusting video, I’ll give it a reddit search, but I don’t fantasize it to the extent girls my age do with MURDER. Imagine being on a date with a woman, and you asked her what shows she’s interested in, and she replied, “I really love the Murder Mystery shows on Netflix. I don’t know what it is about it, but the concept of murder mysteries fascinates me. I love to study people, like Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer, you know?” Pretty normal conversation, right? Now, imagine if you replied, oh that’s cool. I recently got into watching Rape Mysteries. I really love studying all of the world’s most prolific rapists. OF COURSE, she would run away from you. That’s an insanely inappropriate and weird thing to say. When you really think about it, isn’t being obsessed with murder pretty fucking sinister too? Why have we as a society normalized murder mystery being the cool new concept to be interested in? How in the fuck is it okay for a girl to tweet that Ted Bundy is sexy? THAT’S INSANE. All I’m saying is that whenever my girlfriend walks into my house, all knives and scissors are accounted for, and you should think about doing the same.