“I’m pregnant. It’s yours, and I’m keeping it.”
This will leave her all like “Whatttt?” She will be so confused. It’s at this point that you can start really gaslighting her. Tell her that you’re part seahorse, which means that you’re the one that gives birth and you have zero intentions of taking the trip to Planned Parenthood. What a hilarious prank.
“I’m sorry I cheated on you. It must have been your twin tricking me.”
She’ll probably say something stupid, like, “I don’t have a twin.” Don’t worry, there’s a follow up text that will always cover your bases: “Well then that red-headed guy at the bar looked exactly like you.” It doesn’t matter that she has brown hair. Make this her fault.
“You bleeding? ‘Cause if not I’m tryna get up on you.”
She’ll be so happy that you’re not only checking up on her menstrual status, but that you’re also letting her know that you’d like to make sweet, sweet love in the night time. It’s thoughtful and romantic – exactly what girls want.
“You think *insert her hot friend’s name here* would be up for a threesome? Ahaha.”
It would be totally rude to ask for a threesome seriously, which is why adding the “Ahaha” at the end makes it completely okay. This will allow you to bring the subject up without any punishment happening, and it might even result in her saying yes. Go you!
“Thinking about you… thinking even more about those sweet chest melons and tits of the rear.”
Imagine how flattered she’ll be to know that you’re spending your day thinking of her, and imagine how even more flattered she’ll be knowing that you’re even more focused on her fun parts.
“Would you rather try fifth base or die?”
She’ll always say try fifth base, which means that you’re now one firearm purchase away from getting to test out her exit chute.
“Shaved my balls today. Now my wiener looks prepubescent in more ways than one.”
Yeah. I’ve actually sent this one to my girlfriend.