The Priciest College Experiences

College is expensive enough as it is, but when you factor in some of the trials and tribulations you’ll encounter over the course of your four years, the six figure paycheck your parents are dropping for you to sleep until noon and still skip your afternoon classes seems almost miniscule.

Pukey Ubers

As tough as the apology to Rajesh will be after you spew all over the backseat of his 2012 Honda Pilot, it’s nothing compared to the financial aftermath. Watching $150 leave your savings to cover cleaning your chunks will be harder to watch than Lizzo posing in a bikini. And much like seeing Lizzo wearing a thong-like bathing suit, it’s a mistake you never want to happen again.

Your 21st Birthday

Being twenty-one on a legal driver’s license is a lot like discovering what happens when you rub your penis really fast and look at pictures of naked women for the first time: a world of opportunity opens up, and you use it every chance you get. Unlike your youthful sperm producers, your bank account won’t refill in just a few short hours, so your 21st birthday will always be a doozy.

Spring Break

Plane tickets, a place to stay, Ubers, food, alcohol, bars, not getting your security deposit back from the AirBnB, and possible fines/prison bail money. That all adds up really fast, and even though all inclusives can be a lot more cost effective, money will move out of your checking account faster than Henry Ruggs with an open beer on the open road. 

Orientation Week

O-week is pretty cheap when you’re the one sitting through ice-breaker activities and telling people your “preferred pronouns,” but when you show up before your senior year with no responsibilities and only nine more months before your drinking habits become alcoholism, it gets pricey fast. O-week will drop a roofie in your bank account’s margarita and send it to the ER with rectal tears.

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Written by TFM

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