Malcolm Henry
When I find out things that I can’t believe are true — or need to do some searching on — I want to pass that information on to you. The first in this was learning that John Madden was, yes, still alive.
Today: Barney the dinosaur is living his “I love you, You love me” lifestyle. He definitely fvcks.
David Joyner — the voice behind Barney from 1991-2001 — has fashioned himself as a tantra massage specialist and spiritual healer… and for the low-low price of $350, female clients can get a ritual bath, chakra balancing, and a massage. Oh, also… a mind-blowing orgasm.
“When the lingam [penis] and the yoni [vagina] meet, there’s a certain energy that takes place that hands on the body alone cannot create,” Joyner told VICE. “Even through G-spot massage, it’s still not the same energy that flows.”
Check out this pearl of wisdom:
“When you go down on a woman (orally), it should be just like you’re saying grace, like blessing the food you’re about to receive,” the SexYogi said. “No food in the world can compare to goddess nectar because spirit is involved. Before you taste the goddess nectar, give thanks. Say grace. I would love women to understand how powerful that energy is.”
Bro. This is guy is living his best life, I don’t care what you say.
According to the report, this former-stuffed animal has about 30 clients — or “goddesses,” as you can see he calls them — and he unblocks the energy of two to four women a week.
Fvck yes.
Also, let’s be honest… this is just a little different than what he thought his career path would be. Prior to Barney, what did this dude do? Well he was software analyst at Texas Instruments — a job he held for six years and landed shortly after graduating from ITT Technical Institute.
This fvcking guy went from ITT Tech, to Barney, to treating himself to goddess nectar?
He says that through the entire process, he is still ‘Barney’ … wait, what?
“The energy I brought up [while] in the costume is based on the foundation of tantra, which is love,” he said. “Everything stems, grows, and evolves from love. Even when you have emotionally blocked energy, the best way to remove it is to remove it with love, and then replace it with God’s divine love. Love heals and allows you to continue to grow.
“Before I got into the [Barney] costume, I would pray and ask God to allow his loving divine spirit to flow through me through the costume and let that draw the kids. That energy would always draw them in.”
There are still some aspects of this story that VICE really finds problematic — like he never wears a condom even though it is required of sex workers in California (he just doesn’t think of himself a sex worker).
VICE also spoke to other spiritual advisors who really did not like the idea of sliding from clearing shakra’s to cleaning pipes…
Really, there is a lot to unpack from the story. If you want to check it out, head over to VICE.
No word if he eats ass… but, I bet he does.
