Key To Nuclear Bomb Survival? Social Distancing, According to FEMA

I always knew that disaster prep stuff in elementary school was bullshit. Hide under the desk for an earthquake. Get in child’s pose in the hallway for a tornado. March single file to the playground for a fire…. all of them… utter bullshit. Either by location (we were not near a fault line for a fuvcking earthquake) or by sheer happenstance that we weren’t having a nuclear bomb scare.

Well…. now we may be with the bomb thing… and the new rules for surviving a nuclear blast is to maintain social distancing.


Again, this isn’t a joke. This is right there on Go look for yourself. This isn’t some Babylon Bee site. This is 100% paid for with U.S. tax dollars.

There’s more from the U.S. government on how to handle these nuclear blast situations.

“If you are experiencing a medical emergency, call 9-1-1 and let the operator know if you have, or think you might have, COVID-19. If you can, put on a mask before help arrives,” editors write.

“Engage virtually with your community through video and phone calls. Know that it’s normal to feel anxious or stressed. Take care of your body and talk to someone if you are feeling upset. Many people may already feel fear and anxiety about the coronavirus 2019 (COVID-19). The threat of a nuclear explosion can add additional stress.”

Remember to flatten the curve as you’re being flattened by a nuclear bomb. That’s the message from FEMA and the U.S. government via the ‘Nuclear Explosion’ section on where citizens are reminded to “Get inside the nearest building to avoid radiation,” but to also remember to “Try to maintain a distance of at least six feet between yourself and people who are not part of your household” as this nuclear blast is going off.

That’s right, you need to be thinking about COVID as the world is ending via nuclear war with Putin, China, the North Korean fat boy and any other maniacs who want to join the party in ending it all.

“If possible, wear a mask if you’re sheltering with people who are not a part of your household,” the U.S. government continues. “Children under two years old, people who have trouble breathing, and those who are unable to remove masks on their own should not wear them,” your overlords added.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Written by Malcolm Henry

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