Your Shitty Coffee Is About To Get More Expensive

As most everyone knows, Starbucks coffee is pretty fvcking terrible. Now, as the company sets to embrace the mob and raise what it pays employees, the cost of this shitty brown water will get more expensive (if you choose to still buy it.)

In a letter to its employees, Starbucks’ North America President Rossann Williams said that the upcoming pay raises not only support workers but will enhance recruitment efforts in a challenging labor market.

Starbucks also said it’s the third time in the last two years that it has raised workers’ pay.

The latest move will make sure that everyone will earn at least $15 (that new magical number that was just made up during the last Presidential campaign season) — and up to as much as $23 — by next summer. It added that by late January employees with two or more years of service will get a 5% raise; those with five or more years of service could receive up to a 10% raise.

For context, my brother is a sheriff and doesn’t make $23 an hour, but someone who has to pump sugar-free syrup into a cup and froth some milk should be? Okay? Fvck off.

Also additional context, $23/hour is equal to a salary of almost $48k. Which is almost what most states pay their teachers… so… the person whose job is push the microwave button for your sous vide egg bites needs the same pay as the person educating the kids of the country. I want to smash my brain in.

At some point the masses will realize that these ‘raises’ are all false positives because as companies add cost to their workforce, they will pass the lost profit margin on to consumers and thus eat right back into that new ‘raise’ because everyone has to pay more for things.

That, folks, is simple economics and understanding corporate culture does not run on giving away money.

Oh, it is also trying to appease workers from unionizing.

Though the company thinks everyone is stupid and issued a similar denial.

“We look forward to making more improvements when we negotiate our contract,” Michelle  Eisen said, as she looks to organize the union efforts inside Starbucks.

Starbucks currently has no unions at its 8,000 company-owned stores and has said that it respects workers’ right to organize but doesn’t believe a union is necessary because of its pro-worker policies.

CoolCoolCool… yeah… but, if you thought $4.35 was too much for your tall burnt grounds skinny mocha latte, wait until it is $5.65.

Photo by Asael Peña on Unsplash