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Everything You Should Know About Baseball Right Now In 500 Words

Bryce Harper got his wish, as today, the Phillies closed in on Kyle Shwarber. In a market where NL teams are desperate for a DH, Shwarbombs was a hot ticket. It’s sort of like the time I went to the Puerto Rican Day Pride Parade; usually a 5’8 guy like myself doesn’t do the best as far as women coming over to me, but to the participants of that event I was fucking Yao Ming so… The Phillies also signed Jeurys Familia. Which is going to break my brain a little bit because I’m sure *incoming Dad joke* that we are all Familia with him blowing up in the 8th inning in a Mets uniform. The Phillies still have holes, but this is a good start for the Fightin.

The A’s fire sale continues as Matt Chapman is headed to the six and Matt Olson is headed to Hotlanta. Matty Chaps is a stud in the hot-corner, coming off yet another gold-glove season (his third in the past five years). As far as his bat goes, there’s room for improvement. I don’t want to sound like your Grandpa who sits on his coach crushing vodka clubs and buying 9/11 commemorative coins in between Fox News, but batting 210 is a nono. Sure, he’s good for thirty home runs but 200 strikeouts is a staggering amount. I see that and I react the way I did when Bill Cosby got accused of being a sicko for the fiftieth time. That’s a harrowing amount of strikeouts.

As far as Matt Olson going to Atlanta, I love the move and I love giving him eight years. The guy is coming off his best year in the bigs, where he accrued a WAR that’s taller than Jose Altuve. It means that the Bravos are out of the race for Freddie Freeman (who will inevitably be a Dodger), but this is a fantastic second option at a lower cost. This is sort of like if you ran out of Miller in the fridge but your boy came in with Coors. No losing in that. While we are on the topic of Atlanta, the braves are also bringing back playoff hero Eddie Rosario. If I’m in the NL East, I’m you just watched Goosebumps alone, and even though your seven years old and that’s far too old to sleep in the same bed as your parents you have to level afraid of the Braves. 

The Yankees have finally gotten rid of Gary Sanchez, who embodies everything Donald Trump would say about someone with his last name. New York now finds themselves with Josh Donaldson, Anthony Rizzo, and Kiner-Falafel (who is arguably the best defensive shortstop in baseball). For the first time in a long time, it feels like New York might be annoyingly good again. 

The Cubs have signed Seiya Suzuki for five years/ eighty-five million dollars. I love the move. He hit thirty-eight bombs with the Hiroshima Carp last year. 

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