Before we get into this story, I would like to mention that I just found out that India just named their new tank ammunition, Penetration-Cum-Blast (PCB). That might be the funniest thing I have heard all week.
Anyways, this story takes place about 6 months ago. My roommate at the time was dating this girl and would frequently wake up a lot of us with his loud-ass bed and the constant squeaking it would make while he was doing the dirty deed. We eventually coined it, the “jackhammer.” Because of the jackhammer, he took his mattress off its frame and on the ground so it wouldn’t make any noise. However, he looked like he was living in Jesse Pinkman’s crack house in season 4 of breaking bad.
A week after the crack bed was born, I was coming home from the bars when I asked my Uber driver to stop at the Taco Bell next to my house. We go through the drive-thru and I order my regular drunken order, a crunch wrap supreme combo with a chicken chalupa on the side. After my Uber driver dropped me off I sit down to eat the Taco Bell and I delete it all in a matter of minutes. That might be the fastest I have ever pounded Taco Bell. Yet, my stomach still felt empty. I go into my pantry to find my next food victim and then I found canned clam chowder. Anyone that has ever had canned clam chowder knows that it makes your stomach feel like an alien is about to burst out of it after you eat it. Everyone also knows that canned clam chowder is ass, but when you are as hammered as I was that night, it didn’t matter. After making the soup and killing it, my stomach felt like I had swallowed a mustard gas grenade and it was slowly seeping into my whole body.
As any human would do, I proceeded to take the most horrendous shit in human history. This was unlike any shit I have ever taken. I won’t go into specifics but this shit was so bad it had 10-minute phases of switching back and forth from liquid to solid. After that shit show was over, my drunk ass went to bed at about 2:30 AM. At around 4 AM I woke up to this banging on my door. It was the jackhammer. I open the door and jackhammer had this look of disappointment, disgust, and anger all wrapped in one. I knew right when I saw him that I had done something horribly wrong. I simply ask, “what is it this time?” He frustratingly replies, “you clogged the toilet with your shit and it leaked all in my room and my bed soaked it up like a fucking sponge.”
At first, I couldn’t help to feel bad, but looking back at it I think it’s fucking hilarious. I guess a piece of advice I would give would simply be, to make sure the toilet flushes all the way after you decide to take a steamer before you go to bed, or else you’ll end up buying your roommate an $1,000 mattress.