When it comes to matters of sex, everyone has their own kinks, preferences, and turn-ons. Different strokes for different folks, you know? Still, there tends to be some universal loves and hates across the board that most people can agree with. Like, oral. Lots of people are fans of that activity. Or peeing on each other. I’d dare to say that quite a few people out there don’t enjoy partaking in that. See what I’m getting at?
So, it’s fairly easy to say that, for the most part, there are some universal preferences across the board. Obviously, there will be weirdo outliers, but we’re not talking about them. When it comes to the language of love, the language of ~sex,~ here are a few words that you should never utter under the covers in the presence of a lady. Or a woman who looks like a lady. You have been warned.
Let’s just start this off with a bang, shall we? “Titty,” or “tittius” as it’s known in Latin, is easily one of the most cringe-inducing words out there. “Show me yo titties” just sounds like something someone would shout at you when you’re trying to head into Walgreens for some eyelash glue and tampons. Anyone who says “titty” isn’t actually trying to see a titty. They’re just trying to sound dirty. And not in a hot-dirty way, either.
What next, Poindexter? You’re gonna ask if you can hold my hand? Let me copy your bio homework? Take out your retainer before you give me a dry, closed-mouth kiss?
Now, I’m not going to be obtuse here — I know there are going to be some girls who comment like, “Omg what’s wrong with pussy? I loooooove that word! Lol!” And that’s fine. Those are the same girls who sit there and claim that they love receiving money shots as well. You know, liars. While I’m sure there are some people out there who get hot and bothered by the word, I have never met a female who actually *likes* it, especially not in bed. Tread lightly, my friends.
Nope. This is just a hard, firm, resolute fuuuuuck no.
Again, some girls are going to fight me on this one, but whatever. My list, my rules. Something about “panties” just makes me want to burn down Victoria’s Secret. I mean, sure. I get it. It’s fancier than “underwear,” but the whining, nasally sound of it is just too much for me, and plenty of other girls, to handle. Plus, it just seems like something a pedophile would say, doesn’t it?
Now, most girls (and some guys) will instantly freak out upon seeing this word. “I hate moist,” they’ll say, as they sip on their Starbs, scroll on their iPhones, and hashtags #takemeback on their lame ass pictures from Cancun. They’re unoriginal and unthought provoking in their hatred. The thing is, “moist” is a great word. There’s plenty of things we’d like to be moist. Cake, for instance. You can never turn down a nice, moist piece of cake. Or how about soil? I don’t know much about gardening because, obviously, but I can’t imagine that plants don’t need moist soil. But while cakes and dirt are fine, in bed? “Moist” should be avoided. I’m not a fan of “you’re so wet,” but it’s a hell of a lot better than, “your vagina is moist.” Ya feel?
Any derivative of “who’s your daddy?” “call me daddy,” or “come to daddy,” is never okay. I mean, have you met this girl’s father? Do you really want to bring him in the picture, right now, at this moment? Sure, eventually she’ll get used to it, maybe, if she doesn’t dump your ass first. But the first time you ask her “who’s your daddy,” she’s immediately going to think of her semi-retired father, which is, truly, the absolute last thing she wants to think about as you’re about to go down on her.
No, I don’t mean in the sense of like, “That sex was tight,” or “It would be tight if we got pizza after this.” You know what I mean. Compliment our hair, not our haven’t-been-used-in-a-while vaginas, okay?
Blowjobs, just like other presents and/or chores, should never be asked about. Nothing makes someone want to buy you a birthday gift or take out the trash less than asking or telling them to. Sure, if you’re in a healthy, respectful relationship based on mutual love and respect then maybe you could kindly ask for some oral. But if you’re not (and honestly, how many of us *are*) asking for her to “suck your dick,” or any other why you decide to phrase it, is a surefire way to ensure that she will not, in fact, S your D.
10. “You like that?”
It doesn’t matter what you’re doing or whether or not the person in question actually did like that. What if she says “no?” What if she’s like, “Actually, I’m totally faking it. This half-hearted thrusting is really not getting the job done, and you should absolutely try something else like, I don’t know, a good 10 years ago?” If you don’t know if she likes it, you’re doing it wrong.
Because no matter how terrible the things guys say are, nothing is truly as deafening as being hyperaware of the cars honking outside, the squishing noises from down below, and the sound of the person whose last name you’re still figuring out how to pronounce being absolutely silent..