Print long documents. The office comes to a standstill when shit is printing. “Organize” your desk while you’re supposed to be working. Really just shuffling papers around. Listen to other cities’ sports radio programs. Oh, I’m on the phone with my bank.” -Ultimate Forcefield. Nobody questions you if you’re having “bank issues.” Search through the online company directory…for no one in particular. Literally just look at the names and try to find people you haven’t met. Start smoking just for the breaks. Smoking is good for you. Don’t let the bureaucrats tell you otherwise. Make more coffee. Install updates on your computer. Spend the half hour before lunch discussing where your group should go to lunch. Play online checkers against yourself. Count to 28,800. Write a random first name on everyone’s lunch in the fridge. Watch the anarchy unfold. Walk around on google maps in a happier geographic location. Kill someone, then go to their funeral. Learn a new language you’ll never use. Claim it’s for work travel. Talk too much about everyone else’s kids. Read PGP articles about how to kill time at work. Write letters to your future self hoping you’re in a better place than you are now. As long as MS Word is open, no one could care less about what you’re typing. If you work on the phone, send yourself encouraging voicemails all day. Write passive aggressive messages to people you hate and email them to yourself. Build architectural wonders using only paperclips, paper and ballpoint pens. Bonus points if you can consult your friend who was an engineering major over Gchat. Switch shirts throughout the day and deny doing it when coworkers ask you about it. Deconstruct office supplies so that they look normal on the outside, but don’t work anymore. Prank call random numbers using the old-school Judge Judy, Dr. Phil, and Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboards. Fantasize about the office dime, who in any other setting would probably be like a 4 at most. Call friends and pretend to set up appointments with them in order to avoid cold calling clients. Take sad, lonely walks around the office. Claim it’s for exercise. Make up stories about dates you’ve gone on and create a false reality, in which you lose yourself and eventually go insane. Start dating your computer, like Joaquin Phoenix in Her. Tell people you saw a ghost in the hallway and start a ghost hunt, like those dudes on the Travel Channel. Film the whole thing. Hire Spagett to come to your office. Open all of your NSFW emails at once. Fuck it. Type every word you know. Tell a story about how you once traveled abroad to Detroit. See how far you can take it with a coworker before violating HR policies. Start the worst seafood blog ever and call it “Oh My Clawed.” Start coming up with fantasy baseball teams even though you have no intention of playing fantasy baseball. Make contorted, uncomfortable facial expressions that make it look like you’re not trying to shit all over your chair. Open up a large folder and start copy/pasting useless documents into it, tell people you’re “converting files.” Start a panic over China. Lay on your stomach for 20 minutes to align your back. Tell your boss to buzz off when they ask what you’re doing. A bad back could cost the company millions in healthcare costs in the long run. You read it in Forbes. Play the “penis” game with your most fun coworker.
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