Quick trigger. Early finish. Premature ejaculation. Whatever you want to call it, one out of three men say they experience it at some time, according to a Mayo Clinic article I just read to make sure I was normal. Whether you want to admit it or not, you’ve probably had a two-pump chump moment at some point. I know I have. It’s embarrassing and I don’t like talking about it, but my therapist says that in order to overcome my anxieties, I need to be able to get them out of my head and into the world.
So with that, here are five of my tried and true methods that will help you last longer during sex.
Think about the last meal you had.
A lot of the time, people will say that coming quickly is mostly mental. You’re focusing too much on your partner, become over-stimulated, and the experience ends up embarrassing. I’ve heard the classics—think about sports, think about work, think about your parents, grandparents, whatever—and you know, I get that. The problem is, whenever you think about something so starkly opposite of sexual, you run the risk of turning yourself off.
Hear me out. Food is fucking awesome. It helps you live, which is cool in and of itself. But on top of that, food can be a near-sexual experience. The decadence you get from truffle fries is comparable (not the same as, but comparable) to lubed up hand stuff. Once you’re in the throes of passion, start thinking about the last dope meal you ate. Oh baby, that spaghetti carbonara was fucking delicious. Think about the way those noodles played with the shrimp and how that sprinkle of dried basil over the top really just took it to the next level. Next thing you know, you’re in full-on fuck mode and ready to rumble, but you’re hungry, so you’re focusing on food, not sex.https://b8850f5cf8438d28907dd04ede7dfe9b.safeframe.googlesyndication.com/safeframe/1-0-38/html/container.html
Scream a lot.
Not to alienate an audience, but if you’re reading this column, I’m assuming you’ve watched porn before. Y’all, porn gets loud. Now, I’m not saying I’m a professional by any means. Very, very, very far from it. But when I watch the pros getting down, I can’t help but think to myself, they’re doing something that I’m clearly not. And after years of study, I’ve come to realize that the “something” is just being vocal.
So here’s what I’m proposing: from the initial entrance to climax, just, like, start screaming. Seriously. Top of your lungs. Really let it all out. The more you focus on getting air through your lungs and out of your mouth, utilizing your diaphragm to amplify the noise, you’re going to be so focused on your chest that you’ll forget about what’s going on with the lower half of your body. Plus, if they love it in porn, they must love it in real life, right?
Tell your partner to punch you in the face at random.
Have you ever been punched in the face before? I haven’t, which is surprising to me at this point. But either way, if you’re in mid thrust and take a knuckle sandwich to the nose, I have a sneaking suspicion it’ll take your mind off your lower extremities.
In the past, I’ve been told that there are two kinds of whiskey dick: the kind where you can get it up but can’t finish, and the kind where you can’t get it up at all. If you’re a selfless person, then maybe it couldn’t hurt to look into this high risk, high reward situation.
Let’s be very, very clear here. I’m not saying that both parties have to be hammered, or anything of that nature. I’m saying that you making the conscious decision to drink an ass load of booze can help you last longer during sex. The risks? Your partner being completely turned off by how drunk you are, barfing during sex, not being able to get it up, not remembering awesome sex the next day because you blacked out, thinking you’re going to cum but really it’s just pee, falling asleep on top of your partner, crying.
The reward? If you pull it off right, it’s the sweet, sweet moans of pleasure from your partner asking for more and more until you have nothing left to give.
Completely detach yourself from the intimate moment you’re experiencing.
Picture it: you’re in bed with your partner after an amazing date. You have some TV playing in the background, something that you don’t really care too much about like Quantico or The Good Doctor or one of those other shows that they advertised the shit out of but fell flat. You start making out, and after a while, your partner looks you deep in your eyes and says, “I want you right now.” You say yes because you’re excited and want them too, but you also want to give them the sexual satisfaction that they deserve.
Your next move should always be to completely detach yourself from this situation. Always. Not physically, of course, but mentally. Just get completely out of your head. Stop thinking about this connection you’re making with your person and build a home in your own mind. You’re not even thinking about anything else at this point. You’re in your head, set in a hypnotic and nearly vegetative state that allows you to maintain blood flow to your dingus but ultimately stop focusing on the sexual sensations you’re feeling. Plus, your blank face is something that a sexual partner loves to see in bed, so make sure to keep that up as well. From there, you should be good to go.
As long as you’re on bottom.