Existential Car-sideration Over Two Seconds

In the car on the way home from work, SharkWeekTFM listens to an intellectually stimulating audiobook…

5:11:34pm
SharkWeek: This is a great book.

*Thinking to himself*  Wow, I got a date coming soon. I could just sing. I haven’t been singing in the car as much lately.  Without singing in the car I don’t really sing at all.  In school I was singing at least 5 times a week as well as any time I was in the car.  I didn’t listen to audiobooks.  I couldn’t even reach those kinds of notes in high school.  I wonder what my big-tiddie-(not)-goth-high-school-GF would think.  She said “No man should ever belt that high.”  Bitch, that is just how DragonForce do.  Lol, she was just jealous cause she wished she had a powerful singing voice.  She did have a skilled mouth and throat though…  That was when I was first getting into that kind of music so I wasn’t there yet.  I’m getting off track.  My singing is deteriorating… everything is… my whole life is different… is anything the same…does it matter?  Not like I’m a musician, or SUPPOSED to be.  But without it what AM I?  What WAS I?  A… worker?  I’m not REALLY a writer am I?  This is just for fun.  TFM isn’t going in any good direction.  It’s not recreating a community.  Why am I even sticking around?  I wonder if I’d be any good at writing a book maybe.  What if it took off?  Made a bunch of money?  That’d be dope….  The whole world is different.  I certainly am.  I’ve gotten back into my spirituality.  I hardly even realized I had gotten out of it.  That feels good.  Being old.. ahem… old-ER is weird.  Don’t really FEEL any older…  Don’t know what I’d do with ALLLLL this money lol, jk if Dad wasn’t so knowledgeable about investing and general advice etc.  I really hate it for people who have any, let alone so much college debt…  They told us we’d be able to do “ANYTHING” and worse-case-scenario get good paying “normal jobs” easily if we just sat down, shut up, did well, and went to college, so college loans didn’t bother people. They’d be able to pay them back easily with those “normal jobs” they could fall back on if need be.  Those promises didn’t really pan out, huh.  I’m very lucky.  Thankful.  Even though I got so fucked up junior year when I got diagnosed… Yeah, that was a derailment, huh.  But a lot of unforeseen good came from it.  How else could so many of these other good things in my life have happened?  Like if I had gone out of the country like I planned none of them could have?  Who knows, I probably woulda ended up getting killed in some freak accident.  It’s just one of those “some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers,” things. Is that even the right saying?  “Faith in Him is faith in His timing,” I guess.  My great memory, quick wit,  and “intelligence,” were such an integral part of my identity and then because of the diagnosis…  I can’t always remember song lyrics, I certainly can’t be in a play or musical anymore… remember lines ever again… probably couldn’t even play guitar or keyboards live stage… whatever.  Listening to that Buddhist stuff was interesting, gave me some interesting perspective.  I haven’t been meditating (or exercising… I forgot…) lately.  Surprised I was as good at that as I was.  Actually no I’m not.  I knew I’d be good at that.  Despite everything that’s happened,  I’m very fortunate.  Just generally.  I should be thankful.  I am thankful.  Feels good man.

5:11:36pm  
SharkWeek: This is a great book.