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How To Know If You Got a Bad Haircut

I do not enjoy getting my haircut. Mostly because I’ve only had one barber that was able to cut my hair in a way that looked even somewhat presentable, also because I’m a very angry person so most things make me mad. I get really bad haircuts so I know when the barber is fucking up. Here’s how I have learned if the person that just cut your hair actually did a good job just from one experience.

If your barber is visually having a bad day or just not a fan of you, you’re fucked. If there ever was a job that you need to rely on the person to be happy and do a good job the most it’s a barber. I mean doctors, pilots, and psychiatrists are also good choices. I went to this barbershop yesterday and as soon as I entered I was filled with rage. I walk in behind the frat-douche-bag-gets-my-haircut-every-two-weeks mother fucker. He is talking to the receptionist as if she is his sister. This guy Is just spouting off how great his guy is normally at cutting his hair and is going into so much detail about how close he and his guy are. Oh, I got a guy, Dave. Yea he charges me 30 bucks. I get a nice discount cause I let him fuck my sister. Hey, Dave come on over, fuck my sister, cut her pubes, and then put that shit on my head. Don’t forget the fade dave! The lady at the counter is trying her hardest to interpret what the fuck this kid is talking about when she finally says Oh here let me get mark he’s the best guy we have. This seemed to calm the juul addicted shit head down as he does the most confident walk to a barber chair I have ever seen. Also, yes they are called barber chairs. You know, the chairs you sit in when you go to the barber… they’re called… barber chairs. 

So the lady behind the counter asks me why I’m here in a way that clearly meant I just spent 5 minutes listening to some kid scream about how awesome his hair is and now, seeing as you behind him are similar in body type and skin color, I think I’m in for the exact same conversation. So I pick up on this vibe and immediately slink into please don’t hurt me you’re so much better than I am. I say I’m just here for a haircut and she says “okay I can take you over here”. Now I’m like FUUUUUUCK I don’t want this angry bitch to cut my hair. She’s gonna think my scalp is this frat kid’s testicles and slice them up better than Gordon Ramsey’s onions. This bitch is gonna go American Psycho on my hair. She was visually angry and it showed when cutting my hair.

I need constant updates on how you are cutting my hair. I would also like to be facing the mirror at least a couple of times so I can see if I am going to have ANY self-confidence for the next 2 months. I don’t want to find out AFTER the haircut that I look like a pedophile. I can help just ask me once or twice if your stupid scissors have fucked up so far. This barber had me on the chair facing the opposite direction the whole time. The whole hair cut I was staring at the frat boy who, by the way, was getting the best haircut I’ve ever seen. I wanted to scream at this bitch “give that! Give me the douche cut”. Is being a dick all it takes to get a good haircut? I would gladly sacrifice a little of my politeness for the possibility of a good haircut. 

It was like the universe was taunting me. God was saying see what happens when you’re a douche? You get good haircuts. Are we gonna be a douche from now on? Now I know what you’re thinking. They have mirrors on both sides of the barbershop so why not just look at yourself through the mirror on the opposite side? Because I didn’t wear my glasses and even if I did, I would have to take them off when I get the haircut. 

If your barber is physically spilling fat into your face, then you gotta burn that place down. The same barber was so fucking fat that I couldn’t even move my arms half the time because her fat rolls were basically inside me. I couldn’t change the position of my arms the entire haircut because her belly was like a fat-filled paperweight just holding my body down like you are going to get this haircut and you are going to like it. That’s probably why she got fat. I bet her haircuts were so bad that people would literally get up midway through and leave. They would rather have a half-cut head of hair then whatever the fuck this bitch was about to do. So, she decided to put on some hold-them-down weight and from then on, everybody would be forced to stay in their chairs and take the shitty haircut. 

If the last thing your barber does before they make you pay is make your hair wet, that means they gave up trying to style it. I know this because this bitch tried to style my hair with the gel, glue, or whatever goat jizz that they used with the frat boy’s hair, but it didn’t work because she fucked up cutting it. So, she just made it a little damp and styled it (because it’s easy to make hair look good when it’s a little wet), then they say how does this look? I say that it looks good because it does look like what normal hair should look like, but what this fat bitch doesn’t know is that in 20 minutes, this hair is either going straight down or straight up. No weaves, flips, or curves just one direction. She clearly wasn’t able to style it because she wasn’t able to cut it well. Maybe if she didn’t have so much fat around her eyes she could see that it sucks. Maybe if her hands didn’t look like two creatures from “Stranger Things” she could use scissors correctly.

If your barber charges you more than 35 dollars, you got ripped off. I actually felt bad for the frat bro in this situation. This guy is probably spending 35 dollars or more every two weeks to keep his hair like that. Also, I always tip the person who cuts my hair 5 dollars. No matter how much the haircut was 15, 20, even 35 I’m tipping 5 dollars. This is because I cannot cut my hair so I thank you for doing something I couldn’t do without at least a year of training. A job like waiting tables is something I do not understand why we tip. I can listen to what a person wants and then bring them that thing. That’s It as a waiter. 

You are doing something that a 13-year-old could do so I’m not giving you more money. But they make less than minimum wage so most of their money is from tips. Then get a different job. I’m not the one who made up that stupid payment system or made you work at a job that you hate so I’m not helping you. I tip my barber 5 dollars and you should too. I even gave that fat bitch a 5, but she probably thought it was a hamburger… now that’s a funny joke.

I guess the point is, I get bad haircuts all the time, but this specific haircut was exceptionally bad.

What do you think?

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Written by Conall Lynch

Conall drinks vodka and chases it with a Granny Smith Apple. He likes to say “the mustache is just for content” but deep down wants to keep it.

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