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I Actually Like Being Sick

Being sick is the best. You get 1-3 days of guilt free ignorance to do absolutely nothing and not feel bad about it. Sure you have a fever or a sore throat, but I will gladly take those over doing work and everyday anxiety. Also, people are nice to you. People say “you don’t need to do that” or “can I get you anything?” and they actually mean it. Normally, if people say that to me I feel guilty and insecure, but when I’m sick I don’t give a fuck. Fuck yea I’m not doing that work. Fuck yea you can get me a Gatorade. I have a tiny device that has the number 102.4 on it so I am a fucking king. I would never in my life casually ask someone to get me a Gatorade, but when I’m sick, I have no shame. I am at my douchiest when I’m sick. I expect constant accommodations and I don’t give a shit about my surroundings. When I’m sick I have at least 20 used tissues scattered within 12 inches of me like how they would portray being sick in movies.

Another thing I noticed after recently being sick is that I don’t have to fake it anymore. I’m an adult. If I say I’m sick… I’m sick. Nobody is arguing with me and its fucking amazing. Remember faking being sick to get out of school? Remember how much even getting ready for school sucked? Remember how faking took almost more work than just getting ready because you had to convince the tyrant judge mom or dad that even though your forehead isn’t hot and the thermometer says your fine that you really only have 5 hours to live? Remember how you had to keep that up for a whole day? I do and it sucked. I love not needing to prove that I’m sick because obviously I don’t want to be sick, but if I am, I’m taking all the free Gatorades and genuine concern that comes with it. 

I think we all secretly like being sick but I hate people that get sick and still go do shit. I hate people that come into work sick and fucking brag about it. They do it for the attention and concern that I mentioned above, but forcefully and publicly. At least I keep it to myself and whoever is in my general vicinity. These people force their disease ridden face in your mouth and say “yea I’m not feeling too great today, but at least I made it to work”. no. fuck you. Stay home and binge a show on Netflix like the rest of us. I’m not talking about the people that literally NEED to come into work like someone who is struggling and NEEDS to work. I mean your coworker that can so easily take a day off and doesn’t have to use a thermometer as a workplace ego boost. 

They bring it up every chance they get to make you to care. They think they deserve a Purple Heart for coming into work with snot dripping onto their shoes. You deserve nothing. Let’s be honest. On average, Im sure we could all actually come into work if we were sick, but becasue it is universally known that you CAN stay home then stay the fuck home and take the win. People don’t give a shit if you are sick and at work. They hate you. All that attention and free Gatorades are not genuine. They are to shut you up. Everyone hates you because they would kill to be in your position. Everyone around you wishes they were the sick one so they could more accurately take advantage of it and stay home.

What do you think?

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Written by Conall Lynch

Conall drinks vodka and chases it with a Granny Smith Apple. He likes to say “the mustache is just for content” but deep down wants to keep it.

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