I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (and again and again): I want to be a hot girl. I know that’s a very vain, pathetic, embarrassing thing to admit, but whatever. I think if we all looked deep down, underneath our hopes for a world without mental illness and where carbs are healthy, you’d realize you probably want to be a hottie too. Or maybe I’m just a dick. Whatever.
The point is, I secretly long to be a hot girl, but I don’t actually want to try. I’ll go to the gym once every decade, then brag about it to anyone who will listen (and most who won’t). I’ll get my skin painted a golden tan color, and I’ll wear two layers of Spanx on any given night out. What can I say? Odds are I’m painfully insecure underneath my layers of highlighted blonde hair and Harry Potter references.
What I’m getting at, is I’m currently in the process of getting my pubes lasered off. I probably could have just said that, but I thrive off of the drama. Speaking of, I’m documenting the whole experience on Instagram, much to the dismay of my parents and loved ones. And so, to all of you voyeurs who want the dirty details about getting zapped down under, let me break it down. (Or you can just watch it on my highlights, ya pervs).
It’s not cheap being beautiful. Hell, it’s not cheap even being normal human level of average-looking. Shit is expensive. In total, I plan to spend around $700ish to have an easy, breezy, beautiful beaver. Each session is around $100, and then yearly touchups are $50ish. No, it’s not a teeny investment. But never having to buy razors or have that “oh fuck, I didn’t shave and I’m at the beach/changing in a locker room/about the have sex” moment will be worth it. I think.
Unfortunately for all of our lazy asses, it’s not a one and done kind of thing. I guess it takes time for the lasers to completely blast away the hair follicles or whatever it is that they’re doing. Most people need anywhere between 6-12 sessions to be virtually hair-free, then you have to go back annually for touchups. Annoying, right? Still, the ability to avoid ingrown hairs, shaving every other day to the point of just scraping off your own skin, and that never-ending fear that you’re going to cut off your labia is a draw for most people.
So, how does it work?
Basically, before you get lasered, you shave everywhere that the sun doesn’t shine. Then after having a mini-panic attack in the car and popping more than the recommended amount of ibuprofen, you lay on a table, spread your legs, and let someone dive head-first into your snatch. This is where it gets fun. He or she (depending on your gender), then takes a laser and repeatedly pulses it over the most sensitive areas of your body, asking time and time again if you need a break to scream or cry.
The downside? It doesn’t feel great. The upside? It literally only takes five minutes. If you can endure an entire erectile dysfunction commercial whilst sitting next to your father, you can handle this.
I am a bitch with pain. Actually, no. I’m a baby back bitch with pain. I will do everything in my power to avoid any type of physical or emotional discomfort. When I got my my belly button pierced, I asked if I could get local anesthetic.Let’s Get to Work, TennesseeAd By State of Tennessee See More
So, as should be expected, the feeling of getting your most sensitive area blasted with lasers is not, exactly, comfortable. It’s like, taking a rubber band and snapping it on your arm over and over and over and over and over. Except it’s not your arm, it’s the skin around your genitals, and the rubber band is on fire. It’s no afternoon tea, walk in the park, or any other calming clichés. Still, it’s not as bad as, say, getting an IUD (all of you boys can relate, amiright?) or seeing that your ex is now dating the person they told you not to worry about it. It’s painful, but you’ll make it out — a little more tender and raw, but a better person all-in-all.
Ultimately, it comes down to this: I will continue to get my vaginal hairs lasered off, and I will continue to document the experience on social media. Because if I can’t be a hot girl who sells teatoxes on Instagram, the least I can do is show the world mindfully shot videos of myself getting my pubes burned off by a stranger. Surely it’s what the app was made for..