Now that I have your attention … let’s talk about feelings. Kidding guys, I’m kidding. We’re here to talk about sex. But not just any sex. Oh no. We’re here to talk about the ménage à trois. The three people, three or more holes. The classic, the coveted, the well loved threesome.
When people lay on their deathbeds, their regrets usually go something like this:
• I spent too much time at work and not enough time with my family.
• I never had a threesome.
I’m not sure what, exactly, it is about threesomes that get everyone so hot and bothered. Maybe it’s the completion of a trinity. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s taboo enough to be hot, but it’s not a total step into the whole swinging, orgy, polyamorous life that everyone is so afraid of.
Whatever the reason, having sex with two other people at the same time is the thing to do. And so, if you want to live a life of no regrets, you probably want to be in the group of people who take a drink when someone says “never have I ever had a threesome.” Here’s how to make it happen, assuming you’re sort of dating someone and the odds of getting another girl in your bed seems near impossible.
Make Her Think It Was Her Idea
I’m not saying manipulate her. Let me saying louder for the haters in the back. I AM NOT SAYING MANIPULATE HER. I am saying, that as far as fantasies go, threesomes are pretty common. So, how about you start the whole process with two bottles of her favorite wine, some mood lighting, and a casual conversation about what your fantasies are after you treat her to a delicious meal. A threesome will, at some point come up. It always does.
Then Communicate The Shit Out Of It
So, the threesome came up, just as I said it would. Maybe she came to it (hi-oh), or maybe you uttered it. Obviously, if she said it, you’re in a better position. That said, just because you suggested it, it doesn’t mean it’s a lost cause. First, you need to reiterate over and over again that this isn’t about wanting to be with someone else. You think she’s sexy, and beautiful, and she’s all you need. But it’s always been a fantasy, and it would be so special to share it with her. Make it more about you and her than the fact that you really want two people to take turns riding you. Perspective, you know?
Ease Into The Idea
After the initial conversation, the work is not done. Up the romance in your lives. Really make her feel special (because she is, right?). Try to last longer in bed. Ask her what she wants. Do whatever you can to make her feel wanted, and desired, and amazing. Then, as your relationship, sex life, and communication are becoming stronger than ever, the idea can be explored more. Don’t push it. But when you’re both a little tipsy and getting hot and heavy, bring up the fantasy topic again. Tell her that you want to explore. Together.
Offer To Tap Out Every Step Of The Way
The only way to make it to the finish line? Is to offer to quit all the time. Reiterate over and over again that if she doesn’t want to do it, or if she’s uncomfortable, things will stop immediately. Make her feel safe, make her feel heard, and make her feel like she’s in charge. Because let’s be real, when it comes to this, she’s 100 percent deciding if this shit is going down. And if she feels any pressure at all, you’re only going to get further from the goal.
Friends. Are. Off. Limits.
This is Threesome 101. Everyone knows this, but it always needs to be repeated. No exes. No friends of yours. No friends of hers. No one you’ve seen naked already or participate in game nights with. Say it with me: Friends. Are. Off. Limits.
As Are Names, Numbers, and Info
Okay, so not getting each others’ names might be hard. Maybe you went through a friend of a friend. Maybe it was your waitress at dinner. First names might end up being hard to avoid. Still, more information than that is not only unnecessary but can be dangerous. Following the guest girl on social media is a one-way ticket to a lot of insecure conversations. Contacting her at all is a surefire way to get called an asshole. Let your SO handle the communication and logistics, and you just worry about getting through this with your dick intact.
She Calls the Shots. All Of Them
Your lady ultimately gets to pick the person, the place, the time, and how it’s going to go down. Yes, it should be about mutual pleasure and expressing yourself and blah blah blah. Buuuuuut odds are she feels like she has more to lose here. So, support her decisions and agree until you come to a conclusion that lets you grab another tit for 15 blissful minutes and she doesn’t feel like she’s going to lose her man.
You’re Not the Main Attraction
When it comes to sex (at least, before most people get really, really good at sex), the main goal of it is to feel good. I mean, hello. Why the hell else would you be doing it? You picture laying back with your hands behind your head as two women completely ravish you. As two women treat you like the fucking king you are. Except, you know, you’re not a king. And these two women are here to feel good and sensual and not entirely used. So, the secret to ensuring that not only do you not destroy your relationship but also leave two women feeling satisfied? Is to not think about yourself.
Follow All the Rules
Nothing makes sex and relationships as passionate and fun as a clear set of rules. Still, in this case, if you plan to have a threesome while in a relationship, they’re a must. Can you kiss the other person? Is P going in the V? Both Vs? Who is allowed to do what? Talk about it all, always asking what your partner feels comfortable with, to reduce any chance of everyone feeling like shit, dying alone, and never checking a threesome off your list of accomplishments.
Pray You Make It Out Alive
I mean, you have to ask the person you’re with if they’re fine watching you sleep with someone else, you have to please not only one but two women in the sack, and you have to be able to carry on your normal lives after it all happens. Psh, what could go wrong?
Or you could just avoid all the hassle and stick with watching porn when your girlfriend goes to the farmers market. Either way..
