Several times in my life, it’s been made known to me that I have a… unique way of insulting people. Instead of sticking with the basic F-word, B-word, A-word, or even the C-word, I like to add a little flare when I’m insulting people. Sometimes you need to add a little creativity to break through to someone and really make them think, “that guy genuinely hates me.” These are my favorite words and phrases to call people when they piss me off, feel free to use them and let me know your personal results.
This is a staple in my friend group, and I take full credit for it. Calling someone a bitch is old news, and it’s not going to get you noticed by anyone. Sure, if you call your friend a bitch, he’ll probably puff up and try and fight you, but you’ll both know it’s forced. He’s not actually offended, he just knows you’ve questioned his masculinity and now he has to act tough on you. That’s why I suggest adding the “bitch-ass” prefix. Not only does it catch people by surprise, it makes the whole the scenario funnier, which puts all other friends firmly on your side. You can also feel free to drag your words out for extra entertainment value.
How to use it: “Stop whining about your hangover and meet us at fucking brunch you bitch-aaaaaaasssss biiiiiiiitch.”
This phrase was first introduced to me by my pledge master, who screamed at my pledge class that he’d “rather be at home fucking a warm box of jelly donuts, but instead, I’ve got to be here babysitting you fucking slap-dicks.” It wasn’t very funny when my laughter caused us several extra minutes of wall sits, but I’ve come to appreciate it since. Calling someone a slap-dick is saying they’re as useless and incompetent as a flaccid penis; just slapping around aimlessly. It’s perfect to let your friend know that he needs to get his act together before he brings the group down with him.
How to use it: “That’s the third beer you’ve knocked over this hour, you slap-dick. Tighten. It Up.”
For some reason, I’ve found that I like to coordinate the gender of the person I’m insulting with an anatomically matching insult. With the exception of calling guys pussies (basic, but a classic), I like to use gender-coordinated insults. If I’m not sure about the sex of the person I’m talking to, I’d probably stick with a butthole-related insult. I try to be as inclusive as possible when being mean to people, is what I’m trying to say. I use this with my female friends when I feel like they’re dragging the group down and need to be insulted into being fun again. It has mixed results.
How to use it: “Stop being a twat-waffle and checking how your Instagram likes are doing every 20 seconds and come drink your beer until you’re having a good time.”
Unfortunately for me, my 5’9”, 170lb frame does not allow for many insults based on how small other people are. Since the average height of my friend group is over six feet (with me dragging it down), the only time I can call people short is by standing on a chair (which I absolutely do any time I have the chance). This has forced me to get more creative with my sized-based insults.
Fortunately/unfortunately, while genetics screwed me on height, it made up for by giving me size 11 feet. Yes, they look disproportionate and I can’t wear Converse for fear of looking like a clown, but at least I can talk shit to some of my friends who have smaller feet. I use this any time I feel like I’ve been bested athletically to try and bring my self-esteem up by bringing someone else’s down. All those bullies had the right idea the whole time; it really works.
How to use it: *Immediately after I get stuffed going for a lay-up in a basketball game* “Try not to fall over balancing on those stilts, twinkle-toes”
Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I love my friends. I want them to be happy. If they meet someone that makes them happy, that makes me happy. However, if I catch them whispering cute shit to their significant other or catch wind of some lovey-dovey activity they’re partaking in, I will 100% roast them for it. In doing so, I will likely call them a marshmallow, since they’re so soft and mushy. I’ll occasionally try and mix it up with another food item and call them “the inside of a double-stuff Oreo,” or “mashed potatoes like momma makes,” but none have stuck like “marshmallow.” Apparently, my friends really hate being compared to the #1 campfire food of all time.
How to use it: “Are you opening up a cupcake store over there, you gooey little marshmallow man?”
I wish I could take credit for thinking this up, but sadly I cannot. This was introduced to me by noted PGP contributor, Best, and has since become my favorite thing to call anyone, anytime. It’s unique, necessarily graphic, and makes you take a step back and think. It’s the perfect insult. I plan on using this every day until one of my friends physically fights me over it.
How to use it: “If the Sharks lose and you send me a crying Jordan meme like last year, I’m going to drive to your work and wait for you in the parking garage, you fucking tampon tunnel.”
Needless to say, every one of these is used back at me at any given opportunity, but such is life. Live by the sword, die by the sword.