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Pick-Up Lines So Bad They Might Work

In a shock to both my family and friends, I’ve managed to maintain a relationship with a real human female for a decent while now. That means that I haven’t broken out the old rizz catalog in a long time, which is probably a good thing for anyone and everyone. That’s because I’m not very good at it, but sometimes things are so bad that they’re good. Here’s a bunch of pick-up lines that are so bad they just might work.

The Dazed and Confused

You: Did we ever have sex?

Her: No

You: *Best Matthew McConaughey Impression* Be a lot cooler if we did.

The Borderline Harassment

You: Hey

Her: Hey

You: *Drop your shorts and point at your crotch* It ain’t gonna suck itself.

The Direct and to the Point

You: Hey, how’s it going? We should have sex some time.

The Brutally Honest

You: Are you interested in having your drinks paid for all night?

Her: Absolutely.

You: Are you also interested in four to six minutes of sexual disappointment later this evening?

The Door-in-the-Face Technique

You: Would you like to stop everything you’re doing right now, murder the Mayor, hop on a flight to a Latin American country with no extradition policy, and live out the rest of our lives drinking margaritas on a beach somewhere?

Her: No.

You: Damn. Wanna have sex instead?

The Save the World

You: Hi. I know you don’t know me, but we have to have sex in order to save the world.

Her: I don’t believe you.

You: Would you believe it more if I said save the country? I’m willing to go down as small as the school district if it means you’ll follow me into the handicap bathroom.

The Old Misdirect

You: Are you from South Carolina? Because it must have hurt when you fell from heaven.

Her: I think you might have messed that up.

You: Huh. That’s what girls tell me when I “accidentally” put it in their butts instead of their vaginas. You want to give it a whirl?

Funny enough, I’ve heard one of my most sexually unsuccessful friends use every single one of these lines. It never worked for him, but that’s because he was butchering them.

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Written by TFM

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