In a shock to both my family and friends, I’ve managed to maintain a relationship with a real human female for a decent while now. That means that I haven’t broken out the old rizz catalog in a long time, which is probably a good thing for anyone and everyone. That’s because I’m not very good at it, but sometimes things are so bad that they’re good. Here’s a bunch of pick-up lines that are so bad they just might work.
The Dazed and Confused
You: Did we ever have sex?
Her: No
You: *Best Matthew McConaughey Impression* Be a lot cooler if we did.
The Borderline Harassment
You: Hey
Her: Hey
You: *Drop your shorts and point at your crotch* It ain’t gonna suck itself.
The Direct and to the Point
You: Hey, how’s it going? We should have sex some time.
The Brutally Honest
You: Are you interested in having your drinks paid for all night?
Her: Absolutely.
You: Are you also interested in four to six minutes of sexual disappointment later this evening?
The Door-in-the-Face Technique
You: Would you like to stop everything you’re doing right now, murder the Mayor, hop on a flight to a Latin American country with no extradition policy, and live out the rest of our lives drinking margaritas on a beach somewhere?
Her: No.
You: Damn. Wanna have sex instead?
The Save the World
You: Hi. I know you don’t know me, but we have to have sex in order to save the world.
Her: I don’t believe you.
You: Would you believe it more if I said save the country? I’m willing to go down as small as the school district if it means you’ll follow me into the handicap bathroom.
The Old Misdirect
You: Are you from South Carolina? Because it must have hurt when you fell from heaven.
Her: I think you might have messed that up.
You: Huh. That’s what girls tell me when I “accidentally” put it in their butts instead of their vaginas. You want to give it a whirl?
Funny enough, I’ve heard one of my most sexually unsuccessful friends use every single one of these lines. It never worked for him, but that’s because he was butchering them.
