As reported by TMZ, a Florida man fell victim to a brutal alligator attack outside a bar this past Sunday in Port Charlotte. The man was rescued by a group of locals in the area, and eventually treated by paramedics, but by the time he was found, it was already too late. As seen in the video uploaded by TMZ, the victim’s entire right arm had been chomped off, resulting in what looked to be a tremendous amount of excruciating pain.
Most of the time, when you see “Gator Attack” in the news, at the very most someone loses a finger, but this is some serious stuff. For his sake, I’m praying that he spanks the salami with his left. Otherwise, this dude is in for a rude awakening. But, considering that around ten percent of the population is left-handed, I don’t have all that much hope. Masturbating is probably the least of this guy’s worries at the moment though. Just think about how inconvenient this poor dude’s life is gonna be now because of some stupid alligator. Typing on a computer? So tedious. Driving? Forget it. At least his showers might be a little quicker from now on with one less limb.
I hate to make fun of such an awful incident, but how do we think this attack even happened? My guess is that our one-armed friend wandered outside Banditos Bar to get some fresh air (and take a leak) when he wandered a little too close to the water. Now, I don’t want to make any bold assumptions, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this dude went full macho as soon as he saw the alligator and attempted to wrestle it, fueled solely by adrenaline and liquid courage. Obviously, it wasn’t the smartest decision, but god does this guy have one hell of a story to tell.
