Michelob Ultra: If you drink Michelob Ultra, you are either a male member of Antifa or a stressed-out millennial woman that needs to take the edge off. It’s been a long week of work. How are you training for a marathon and saving for a destination bachelorette party in Nashville? Nobody knows. But you work hard, and if you didn’t have those oddly satisfying Instagram reels of household items perfectly fitting into place( that you send to your younger cousin, although only Millenials use Instagram reels) along with two or three Ice Cold Ultras, the milligrams of whatever pill you take for the anxiety would be much higher.
Busch Lite: If you drink Busch, multiple family members own Let’s Go Brandon merch. The opioid crisis ran more rampant in your area than Nutella in white Moms circa 2009. You love the great outdoors and hate people from the city that wear outdoor brands for style. The song Whiskey Lullaby makes you tear up in your truck from time to time.
PBR: If you drink PBR, you are either a broke person that appreciates the bang for buck ABV while sitting in your garage watching the game, or you’re a broke person in your early twenties taking advantage of the drink deal at the bar. It’s universally known that PBR is $2 a draft at happy hour on Fridays at every bar worth going to.
Natty Light: If you’re currently drinking Natty Light, you have a friend that is currently on Accutane, you at one point owned an iPad, and you skip meals to purchase nicotine. The young man’s liquid wheat and the official sponsor of college tailgates everywhere. Millennials look back on their college experience seeing their friend fall down the stairs on TFM with a lukewarm Natty Light in hand fondly. Natty Light is like Lisa Ann. You can pretend it wasn’t a part of you becoming a man, but that’s simply not the truth.
White Claw: There’s a stereotype that white claw drinkers have UTIs and ZTA bumper stickers etched to the back of their white Jeeps, and while this is true, White Claw has become too mainstream. Everybody watching this has had a White Claw during the summer at some point, and if you haven’t, you’re either so straight that you aren’t straight or lying.
Budweiser: If you drink Budweiser, your doctor has gotten on his hands and knees telling you to please ween off of red meat, and you left his office muttering commie under your breath before heading to the supermarket and picking up a ribeye. One of your kids showed you that video where the Dad goes, “why not go back to Mexico” and the woman screams, “you need to leave,” and instead of reacting to the hilarity of the whole thing, your response was, “I mean, he wasn’t wrong though.” If you drink Budweiser, your NFL Jersey is from ’07, you love a nice Columbia fleece, and ten years at the job you’ve grown to hate is the only thing keeping you from Florida.
Miller Lite: If you drink Miller Lite, you love betting no runs first inning. Your life has progressed beyond the days of sneaking cases of Natty Lite past an RA, but you’re not ready to give up your debaucherous lifestyle yet. You fight with your girlfriend over whether or not your Step Brothers poster stays up in your room. You agree that it is time for you to grow up some, but that poster fucking rules, and you already had dinner with her Dad while he was in town this week.
Coors Light: Coors light guys are Wildcard guys. I’ve referenced him before, and I’ll do it again. Some might call him the twice-a-year friend, others an asshole, and a few the reason it hurts when she pees. But let’s just borrow Always Sunny’s terminology and call him the Wild Card. He’s clinically insane, but he also provided you with your best stories. He calls you once every six weeks, leading with a recap of his weekend making love to a diplomat’s daughter in a tent at Lolla, and ends the call pleading for a $115 loan. How can a guy constantly between jobs afford a long weekend in Chicago? You don’t know, but you give him the money knowing that there’s a Russell Westbrook contested mid-range chance you get it back. Whenever you ask him what he’s up to professionally, he uses the words “crypto” and “offshore” so often that you leave the conversation more confused than before. He’s the only guy you know that’s been to both East Hampton and a Louisiana state prison.
Modelo: I worked at a liquor store for a while, and the Modelo drinkers came in, wiped the sweat from their Dodgers baseball caps, and left with enough Model to forget hours of manual labor. From personal experience, Model is the beer that is truest to market because even though my boys drove to the construction site still hammered at 7AM, they lived with the fighting spirit.
Corona: Corona drinkers are the chillest guys on the planet. These guys get drunk, but it’s never sloppy, and everyone likes to be around them. He’ ‘s not Casanova, but he’s never in a dry spell. A dream friend group has a Corona guy who owns a pontoon boat and loves tropical house music.
Bud Light: People say that Bud Light is the average man’s beer. People say that Bud Light is a guy named Tom who drives back to his $230,000 in a 2014 Sonata, I beg the differ. Shane Gillis has single-handedly made Bud Light my drink of choice.
IPA Guys: IPA guys vary, especially during this time of year because everyone knows IPA season is Fall through Spring Break. The only thing that’s consistent with IPA guys is that there’s no middle ground. They are either some of your best friends who have a little bit of a gut, and pull girls handedly in a flannel, or they are some skinny motherfucker that loves cycling and the worst music you’ve never heard.