I’m a girl and I’m on the Internet, meaning my DM’s have scarred me for life and ruined the way I see men forever. I’ll think I’ve seen everything there is to see, then just like that, I’ll get one that somehow traumatizes me on a level I didn’t know existed. So I ranked some of my favorites!
10. Bath Water Man
Ladies: Men should NOT be drinking water that you haven’t bathed in. Write that down.
9. Guy Who’s Really Into Socks
I’m gonna be real, I knew where this was going. I don’t know why I even asked.
8. Tickle Monster!
This seemed super safe. I definitely would NOT be in a human trafficking ring if I went!
7. The One That Got Away
Okay, this one hurt. It seems like we just broke up, and he’s already moving on? With one of my friends? AND he doesn’t even care which one? On CHRISTMAS? Ouch.
6. Condom Worshipper
“I would pay you to send me some of your used condoms with [your boyfriend],” he said. “He’s more worthy of you than me and I know my place. I want to worship condoms that have been inside you.”
He had me at “$$$$$$”.
5. Bathroom Licker
Once again, I’m sick of guys doing the bare minimum. I need a man who will automatically start licking the walls every time I walk into a room, not just the bathrooms.
“I would never see you or come in contact with you. I just want to lick the bathroom walls after you leave knowing you’d been in there.”
The bar is on the floor!
4. This One Was From My Boss
One summer I worked at a Bob Evans — which was already traumatic — but my nightmare got worse when my manager DM’ed me on Instagram.
This was definitely one of the worst DM’s I’ve ever received in my life.
Somehow this was worse than if he had just sent the real thing. Then I at least could have sued or something. Work was fun the next day, though!
3. How do you feel about bugs?
I love a confident guy that can take charge.
Let’s just skip first base and go straight to seeing how many different insects you can fit on my body. Lol!
2. Cannibalism!
This man DM’ed me to ask if I was into vore. I had no idea what it was, so I did a quick Google, and surprise! It’s cannibalism!
But he says it’s a lot more odd than it actually is, so…
1. The One That Made Me Into A Cartoon
This guy told me he’d pay me to text him back, so I did for a week, but it was exhausting.
He told me he’d been working on some sort of project, but I never knew what he was talking about … until one day, he finished the project.
Here’s what it was:
He designed 24 different cartoons of what he thinks my body would like in these poses. This was horrifying. Mostly because I have no hair.
To be honest, though, I’m just kind of pissed that no guy I’ve ever actually liked has done this for me. If you don’t like me enough to design 24 different positions you want to see my body in, I’m breaking up with you. Bye.
