“Actually 20 lol *stupid emoji*” populates thousands of Tinder profiles throughout the country, and it tells you one thing: she got on this dog shit app years before she was supposed to. It’s not necessarily a terrible thing, but you have to realize that if there’s a three-year difference between her Tinder age and her real age, I mean, do I really need to say it? Tinder is a dating app, but I’ll let you draw your own conclusions on what people are actually looking for when they open it up.
All Group Photos
Her pictures are filled with her and her roommates, and there are some baddies in that group. The problem is that all you see is that group. There’s no way to tell which one she is, and even if they’re all 10s, you have to wonder what exactly she has to hide. A boyfriend? A dead body? Something in that’s probably not quite as drastic? There’s no way to know, and most of us aren’t brave enough to take a right swipe at such a mystery woman.
“Swipe Left if…”
When she’s got one of these sentences in her bio, it’s a good idea to swipe left regardless of if you agree or disagree. Even if you’re in full-on synchronism of thought with her on that one topic, she’s telling you straight up that one singular opinion can cause her to lose interest in you. “Swipe left if you like cats.” You don’t hate cats, but you haven’t really given much thought to your overall opinion and swipe right because, well, why not? I’ll tell you why not. Three months from now when you say, “Oh, that kitten’s cute,” as you pass one by on the street, she will straight up murder you. That’s not an exaggeration.
The Bible Bio
This is the girl that you come across who has a four-hundred-word essay written on her profile. I honestly don’t have any input into what she’s like as a person because I react the way every guy does: Not fuckin’ reading it.
Two Pictures Only
She’s going to be good looking. She’s also probably going to be a fifty-three year-old white guy begging for an unsuspecting hornball like yourself to head over to the sex-dungeon he keeps securely hidden in his mother’s basement. A quick Google Image search of “hot girls” will probably bring up both of her pictures and kill the slight confidence boost you got when you saw she superliked you.
A Perfect 10
She’s never going to send you a like back. Ever. Shoot your shot, king, but let’s just keep it real. You’d need eight shots of liquid comedy and a dimly lit bar to have a chance at disappointing her.