I’ve personally been part of this very unique “I’ll do it if you do it” moment in college. And, not going to lie, I have never felt closer to someone than when we watched each other make a permanent decision after drinking enough vodka to kill a small horse. But, as the not-so-proud owner of a tattoo that the artist called “the dumbest tattoo he’s ever done” mid-application, I can promise you that what seems fun and light-hearted now could very well result in something you won’t want your mother, or people in general, to see. So, please, dear God, do as I say, not as I do.
“How cute would it be if we got a little tattoo of angel wings,” said the freshman Pi Phi. “Don’t do it,” said the post-grad DG who has had to constantly explain that the anchor on her back shoulder has to do with her being in a sorority when she was 19-years-old and not because she was in the Navy. Which do you think people respect more: a symbol of risking your life for your country or a permanent stamp to commemorate getting your stomach pumped after taking too many tequila shots? So, do me a favor and just get a bullshit butterfly tattoo on your inner wrist and call it a day.
I get it–you got the house you’ve always wanted to be in, and you want to bear it like the Scarlet Letter A (minus the whole fucking someone else’s husband). But what do you think when you see a guy with “ΣAE” tattooed on his bicep? Unless you have some serious issues with your taste in men that you should talk to a therapist about, your first thought probably is “What a fucking douche.” And, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but girls can be douches too. I don’t care how dainty the AΔΠ on your ankle is.
In the real world, you will be considered just as douchey as the guy with ΣAE on his bicep, and you might as well tattoo “PEAKED IN COLLEGE” on your forehead. If you really feel the deep urge to put your letters on display, consider this: tattoo removals cost an average of $500, and a sorority shirt costs around $30. Choose wisely, or else you’re Kappa Kappa Gonna regret that shit.
Ladies, I can really appreciate all the hard work you put into your cake and so do all the guys who follow you on Insta (or OnlyFans if you’re an entrepreneur). You have an ass that is as perfectly rounded as the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. So why not let a guy named “Kyle” who took a Xanax right before you walked into the tattoo shop play Michelangelo and permanently paint on it with a motorized needle?
If you’re lucky, you’ll come out with a decent outline of a smiley face placed tastefully close to your ass crack. It’ll be super cute and charming throughout college and maybe a little wonky when you hit 30. By the time you’re 40, it’ll probably look like the rough outline of a mugshot of someone who has been arrested for meth possession. The perfect ass is temporary, cellulite is inevitable, and tattoos are forever. Don’t put a bumper sticker on a perky Porshe that will eventually turn into a droopy El Camino.
The tattoo that an artist called “the dumbest tattoo he’s ever done” was my “Savage” lip tattoo. I didn’t even know I got it until I woke up with a swollen bottom lip and found a business card from the Crazy Clown Tattoo Parlor in my purse. When I finally pulled open my bottom lip, my initial thought was “Lol, this will be funny to show off at parties for the 6 months it lasts.” I heard time and time again that lip tattoos completely fade within a year. Then 6 months passed, then a year, and it’s now been 5 years since I got “the dumbest tattoo,” and it still looks as fresh as the night I got it.
Now I am the 25-year-old with “Savage” written on her inner lip, and people just find it sad when I show them at parties. Moral of the story: lip tattoos can be VERY permanent. Side note: everyone will want to post pictures of it on their stories, and there really isn’t a more unflattering face than holding your bottom lip inside out.