If you were like me and grew up ugly, you’d know that in order to gain friendship you were unfortunately forced to develop a personality. This personality includes an apathetic outer shell that was used to fend off the douche canoes of the sixth-grade world. Our parents told us, “they want you to react. Don’t give them that.” It wasn’t until I grew older and wiser that I discovered this same logic could be applied to a crucial part of world diplomacy—the text fight.
1. Stay Calm
I previously spent my days in agony, sending all caps and exclamation points to get my point across. But I was so, so wrong. First, you need to calmly lay out the crime that was committed. Calm is key because remember you’re going for an “I don’t give a damn about you” vibe. Always remember the sacred rule of text fights: thou shalt never allow an a-hole to see you sweat.
2. Don’t Say “K”
Don’t send the classic passive-aggressive “K.” He is likely to have been schooled in the game of text fighting and will see this as “she’s annoyed but weak.” He would be correct, sending “K” is an insult of the past and this also leaves you in a dangerous spot as he could simply not respond to your insulting single letter. While, yes, getting the last word is important, where does that leave you? Now you’ve sent a slightly agitated text message and you feel unfulfilled. This will only likely lead you to expose your real true anger in the form of a dreaded double text following the “K.” Just don’t send “K,” got it?
3. Take Your Time
Every guy has a nerve, and you probably know that nerve. Don’t exploit it in the original messages, wait a while. I’m assuming you’ve seen Calvin Harris’ takedown of Taylor Swift on Twitter (may she rest in peace). He was clearly schooled in the art of winning the text fight. He started off with a backhanded compliment. These are always a great choice. Make your target feel secure in their position. To said compliment they’ll likely pull their worst move which is either A) show their anger or B) apologize. If they show their anger, merely continue to be the apathetic beyotch you know you are and let it flow. If they apologize and you accept it, boom fight is won. That’s a rare situation however so, if they apologize and you still don’t take it, respond with something sarcastic.
4. Simple Sarcasm Is Your Friend
A simple “sure” or even a “lol sure” will do in this situation. The “lol” is a key weapon here. It’s the epitome of you not giving a damn that this person is infuriated at you and you’re just laughing out loud. Even if the fight started out with you mad at them, they should always be showing more emotion and if you feel like your text is starting to convey you care even in the slightest throw in an “lol.” See how it can change the entire tone of a text message.
“You said my sister was hot.”
“Lol…you said my sister was hot.”
While one is read as sad and mopey, the second one is like “yeah you really are an idiot.” It’s the subtle insults that are key to winning all text fights.
5. Know When It’s Time To Quit
If you follow these tips, he should be begging you for mercy like the sad puppy he is. Not only that, he’ll remember not to mess with you. But if none of the above work, this guy really isn’t worth it. Play his nerve card and watch him explode, then read it and don’t reply. Go so far as to turn on you read receipts for the sole purpose of reading it and not replying. As for having the last word, you want to let him have that. If you’re intent on having the last word that goes against rule #1 “don’t give a damn.”
Remember, stay a cold bitch, no “K”, no double text, use the “lol” when appropriate, and play the nerve card to end it. Now take this knowledge and go slay every text fight..