A Letter to My Pre-Covid Self

Hi bitch,

It’s you from the future. You literally won’t believe this for a single second but there’s about to be some “I Am Legend” shit go down in the year 2020. 

In March you’ll get hit with a global pandemic (don’t bother looking up what that means you’ll hear that word for a whole year coming soon.) But basically, shit gets real…real quick. You’ll go from living your best life in Fort Laudy with the girls on Spring Break to total lockdown in a matter of hours. 

I know this sounds made up, but hear me out. 

All of your favorite things will quite literally become illegal to do. No bars, no shopping, and especially no traveling. 

In fact, if you do travel you’ll have to do so in secret…or you’ll risk being cancelled by your peers. 

There will be two new items added to your wardrobe you’d think you’d never need; a mask and blue light glasses.

Masks are required everywhere you go in the future, even if you’re outdoors. You’ll get it as you go, just giving you a fair warning. As for the blue light glasses, those are for your eyes because you now spend up to 15 hours a day staring at a screen until your eyes bleed because there’s nothing else to do. 

You know that summer of 2020 you’ve been waiting for your whole life…the summer all your friends finally turn 21, yeah that’s not a thing. 

Seriously, if you want to even see your friends it will have to be in an outdoor setting and six feet apart. 

If that’s not something you’re into, you can go with the second option, but it will cost you a full day of waiting and about $100, give or take. This is the “get tested option” in which you go to a minute clinic, wait around all day for a test that costs an arm and leg and hope it comes back negative. You’d think this expensive and timely option will give you the results you need immediately, no babe. You’ll have to wait 3-4 business days for your results. So plan accordingly.

I know dude, it’s fucking crazy, but that’s just how things are now. I seriously hate to be the one to break it to you, but it’s better you know now; rather than later like me. 

So take with this information what you will, but for both of our sakes…DO NOT TURN DOWN ANY INVITE YOU GET FROM READING THIS TO MARCH BECAUSE YOU WILL REGRET IT. 

That shitty frat house is having a Jungle theme party? Fuck it, toss on some cheetah and go.

The girls are going to brunch but you’re severely hungover…grow up and get out there because there will be a time in your life that brunch becomes obsolete. 

Homeboy keeps texting you and asking to chill, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GO!!!!!!! You’ll need something to think about when you go untouched for months…

Written by Grace O'Malley

If Carrie Bradshaw drank a little bit too much and was originally from Boston...

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