Four Things That Hurt More Than Heartbreak

I’ve been there. You finally talk yourself into liking that one boy who you can’t find one good Instagram photo of, only for him to crush your self-confidence. Cut to you eating popcorn for dinner while you cry to Jar of Hearts on repeat. Lucky for you, females always end up glowing up after a breakup. Just look at Khloe, she got a new face. Women are amazing creatures and after that boy who weighs 140 pounds soaking wet breaks your heart, you’re just going to end up hotter and happier. So in the words of Usher “let it burn.” I promise you, it’s not that bad. One day you will look back and laugh at how heartbroken you were. Boys can only hurt you as much as you decide. So decide you’re better without him and that it is all going to be okay! Easier said than done. But, once you get over the initial loneliness, you will find the pain isn’t REALLY that bad. If you don’t dwell on it and make yourself sad, it’s fine. You’ve experienced way worse pain weekly as a woman. You’re strong enough to handle this. I promise. To prove it to you, here is a list of things that hurt more than a breakup.

  1. Falling Asleep in Whitening Strips

I swear to God, this is the worst pain in the world. No man can hurt me the way Crest whitening strips have hurt me. When I peel the crusted plastic off my teeth, I know I’ve made a tremendous mistake. Try to drink ice coffee, I dare you. Try to eat ice cream. You will probably just give up on drinking and eating because it hurts so bad. Similar to your heartbreak, Crest whitening strips make eating impossible. Heartbreak gives you the depression diet. Whitening strips give you a sensitive teeth diet. Either way, you are going to look ready for summer without having to diet! 

2. Cutting Your Nails too Short 

You’re just trying to practice good hygiene. You finally remember to cut your nails, only to cut them too short. They’re extremely sensitive for the next week. Anytime you try to peel a clementine you will be reminded of your shortcomings and short ass nails. They hurt at weird times. They might bleed. Nails have no right to be so dramatic and painful. IT’S AN HONEST MISTAKE. 

3. Chickfila Being Closed on Sundays When You’re Hungover

Imagine you’re hungover. You use all the power you can muster to get into the car. Your migraine is throbbing. The sun is so bright. You’re powering through to get that sweet number one with a lemonade, easy ice. You pull up and remember you’re a dumb ass. Not only are you disappointed, but you’re stupid. At least in heartbreaks, you are usually blind-sided. But in this situation, you should’ve known better. You are just a piece of shit that doesn’t know what day of the week it is. 

4. Getting Your Eyebrows Threaded

Have you ever been stabbed in the eyelid? I’d rather be emotionally stabbed in the heart than physically stabbed in the eye. I’m pretty sure they thread the prisoners’ eyebrows in Guantanamo Bay to torture them. (SO sorry if that joke was too off-putting). But seriously wouldn’t be shocked!!!

You are a strong warrior princess. If you can survive the above-mentioned situations, you can survive a breakup from a guy whose car smells like a weed and athlete’s foot. I don’t care how hot he is! If he doesn’t see how amazing you are he ain’t shit. I too was once crushed by a breakup, but I kept going and found the pain diminished over time. Just block those hoes on the socials and go get some crop tops from Zara. Use the extra time to pick up a hobby, or more importantly, invest time in your family and girlfriends. I swear, your life gets so much better. Boys think they can crush our spirits. But honestly, you did us a favor by pulling the plug. Just remember, trauma makes you hotter and funnier. So it’s all going to be okay!! But please, whatever you do, do not fall asleep in your whitening strips. 

Written by Caroline Bano

Super boring girl with mediocre personality....but I'm hot. Read my blog. NYC.

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