Hot Girls Don’t Buy Drugs

Real hot girl shit is getting free drugs. Never in my life have I texted a drug dealer. However, have I texted Matthew from my Methods of Science Inquiry Lab and sat on his couch while he played Fortnite, just to get high? In the words of Ariana Grande, Yuh.

Hot girls don’t use men JUST for drugs. Sharing drugs with someone is a form of intimacy. You

should be honored she puts your coke in her nose. Every girl remembers her first- her first frat brother who gave her molly at a concert. Think of it as taking a girl to dinner. Respectfully, if you want to date a girl, you

should take a girl to dinner before making the moves. Swipe your credit card before you “swipe your nose like a credit card.” Sharing drugs is the equivalent. It’s just the fast-track version. You offered her an activity to get to know each other better.

Now boys, the drug you offer is very important to the girl. Don’t be giving the sleepy girl

indica. Don’t be giving the emotionally unstable girl shrooms. Okay, so don’t be giving any

college girl shrooms on the first round. That’s for a relationship. Most of the time, snow is beautiful. However, time it out just right. Don’t start too early. Girls can only be happy for a limited amount of time. That’s how God cursed us. Don’t make us happy too early or it’s all downhill.

Gentlemen give women Adderall. That’s like bringing flowers to the date and buying appetizers. It’s thoughtful, kind, exciting, and keeps her from needing to eat ten pieces of pizza and falling asleep on your couch before midnight. He gave up being able to study and getting off of academic probation, just to stay up with you until 4 am. 

Just remember to pick which lucky girl gets your drug that night. It’s like the Bachelor, you can’t be handing out roses to all the girls in the same night. Weed is for long talks and hooking up. You get to know each other and your beliefs on how the earth came to be and the Illuminati. She will most likely get a little personal. Just remember to have food on hand. Remember to not have too much food on hand. How can you fit a dick in you when you already ate your body weight in McNuggets?

Cocaine is for the wild girlies. It’s exciting and fun. She might get annoying. But she

will also get horny. Reminder, don’t have a hotter friend around. That will backfire.

Now ladies, how do we spot the men who have the good good? Who’s wearing a sailor hat at the party? Who queued Doses and Mimosas on the aux? Who is breathing with their mouth open? Target these men. Don’t chase them. Don’t be desperate. Instead, put yourself directly in their eyesight. My favorite move is sitting on the couch and waiting to see who sits next to me. That’s how you find your Prince. Be patient. In fairytales, you have to kiss a frog to make him a prince. But in my experience, you just have to do a few lines to make him a prince.

Written by Sofía Viagra

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