Fake IDs are true gifts from the gods of alcohol and fun — or, you know, whichever sister you convince to let you steal her identity. Not only are they useful in terms of happy hour, but if you have a big event planned with friends, a concert, spring break, whatever, a fake is a must. No one wants to go to a Miley Cyrus concert as the DD because you’re under twenty-one and don’t have a fake. I think that might be the actual definition of hell.
The first step to avoiding that kind of purgatory is, obviously, to find someone who looks at least somewhat like you and get her to share her identity with you. Finding the perfect fake ID is a lot like finding the perfect little — challenging, exhausting, and totally worth it in the end.
Pick someone with similar defining characteristics to yours. A real-life sibling obviously works well, if you’re lucky enough to have a biological older sister of the correct age. If not, you can definitely still get away with someone who looks somewhat like you. Hair color is the least important because you can always argue it was dyed. Eye color is huge. Greens, blues, and hazels can usually get a little more leeway, but if you have big brown Bambi eyes and are using Tiffany’s ID and her eyes are turquoise, there’s a good chance a bouncer will notice that. Height is also a good one to stick close to — I briefly used an ID that said I was 5’8” when I’m barely five foot, but that is not something I’d recommend. Heels will help you here. If your fake says you’re a few inches taller than you actually are and you’re in wedges, you’re golden.
The next step is actually getting the ID from somebody. Ideally, she’s someone who is older than you (but not too much older, you don’t want an ID that says you’re thirty) graduating soon, and isn’t a celebrity at the local bar scene. It’s hard to have someone’s fake who all the bouncers actually know.
Be nice about it. A fake is a privilege, not a right. This girl is literally giving you permission to steal her identity. I asked an older girl in my chapter, a really sweet person who had green eyes and was two inches taller than me, AKA my match made in fake ID heaven. She agreed to go with me to the DMV and get a new ID made, claiming she lost her old one, so she could then pass on that old one to me. I brought her coffee and a muffin, made the DMV appointment, and went along to keep her company, as well as paid the fee for having a new ID made. Make it as easy on that girl as possible. Anyone willing to go to the DMV for you is a champion.
After these steps have been taken, a new ID will be mailed to the girl whose identity you’re stealing borrowing, and she can hand over her old ID to you. The following are the necessary steps to use your fake successfully and avoid having it taken it away by the cops. You want to get as much usage out of your fake before you turn twenty-one, and that isn’t always easy. Honestly, there are plenty of times the bouncer will barely glance at your fake, but when you’re up against a stickler, you need to be prepared. Here are some tips on how to be smart about using your new identity in the real world.
Side note: Whatever you do, don’t pay some random shady ass person to make you a Hawaii fake with your actual photo and name on there. In my experience, you’re way better off using a real ID that technically belongs to someone else than you are trying to craft a fake one. There are just too many ways a bouncer can spot those. Feel free to ignore the following advice and try it if you want, but when you’re being put in handcuffs outside the bar, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Tip #1: Memorize the information on that card.
You should know the address backward and forward, your middle name, and your fake date of birth by heart. I used to test myself at the pregame, when I was actually drunk, to make sure I had that shit on lock. If a bouncer asks you what your zip code is, you better be able to answer no matter how many shots in you are.
Tip #2: If possible, snag an old debit or credit card, or an old student ID from the girl you got your fake from.
Having a second form of ID is the most foolproof way to convince a skeptical bouncer you really are Molly Elizabeth Sterling (or whoever). A student ID is my personal favorite since it also comes with a photo, but an expired debit card is also great. The bouncer won’t check the expiration date on that thing, just the name, and then you’ll be in.
Tip #3: Avoid the one bar in your town that always catches fakes.
There’s always one place, I promise you, and you better know what that place is. Your fake doesn’t make you invincible. Be smart about the locations you choose to whip it out.
Tip #4: The more friends you have that know the bouncers, the better.
Two words: no lines. You go right to the front when you’re friendly with the bouncers, and most of the time they won’t check the group’s ID if they’re pals with a couple of the girls. This will help you if you’re packing a fake since you might not have to show ID at all.
Tip #5: Know your fake star sign.
Some bouncers love to test drunk girls on their ID knowledge, and this is a question that I’ve been asked in real life multiple times. If you’re a Gemini in real life but your fake is a Scorpio, adjust accordingly.
Tip #6: Remind your friends you’re using a fake when you go out.
Having your drunk big scream your real name at you while the bouncer is staring at your ID that clearly names you something else is less than ideal.
Tip #7: Use your fake sparingly.
Don’t take that shit for granted and start trying to buy eight bottles of wine every single time you go to the store. A fake should be used only when other options are exhausted. If you can still get someone to buy for you easily, you should do that instead of risking your precious fake. That might sound overly cautious, but getting arrested in a supermarket is one of the most embarrassing things that can happen to anyone. You don’t want to be that girl.
Tip #8: Repay the favor.
When the magical day comes along and you finally turn twenty-one, consider passing your identity on to your little or someone else who can get the same enjoyment you did out of your fake.
Follow each of these steps and you’re guaranteed to have the best possible time using your fake successfully. A little confidence never hurt, either. Walk up to that bouncer like you’re the shit and you belong in that bar, and he’ll start to believe it. Just don’t fuck it up. Cheers to you, girl, and may the odds be ever in your secretly-underage favor.
