“I slept with him once, and then it was like I didn’t exist.”
It’s one of the main complaints you hear from women (and frankly, many men) when it comes to dating and sex. I get it. It’s a little frustrating to go through a string of one-night stands with people who don’t even show a remote amount of interest in continuing to see you. Sure, maybe you’re in one-night stand mode yourself, but it’s nice to be wanted, right? It can sometimes seem like the message you’re getting is that you’re attractive enough to suffice for a night, but not enough to consider dating. So what do you do? Try to convince him he’s wrong? Desperately send him nude pics because maybe it’ll get you a second chance to have sex with him, and maybe that’ll change his mind? Or just give up hope and accept that you’ll be alone forever? None of the above. Don’t worry, though–I have some ideas.
Let me start with the blunt, honest truth. You are not entitled to a relationship. When the two of you left the bar, you entered into an airtight human contract. You agreed to have sex with each other with at least nominal effort on both of your parts, and that’s it. Hell, the person hosting the sexcapades isn’t even obligated to let the other person stay the night, although it does seem to be in good taste to do so. By the way, if you got kicked to the curb before the sun even rose, I wouldn’t even bother with the rest of this advice, because frankly, that guy isn’t worth it anyway. If he has the ability to smoothly usher you out the door, then he’s got a lot of experience with this sort of thing, and he probably enjoys it way too much to give it up, which leads me into my next point. You should ask yourself whether you actually want to date this guy.
Honestly, if someone is extremely entrenched into a certain lifestyle that is based on having sex with lots of people, why do you even care? You’re in different places, and your relationship probably wouldn’t have worked anyway. Are you wanting to date him because you’re legitimately attracted to him and think that you have personalities that could potentially mesh well together, or are you doing it because you just added another “number” to your “list,” and you’re tired of your number continually going up without having a stable relationship to show for it? Wanna hear a secret? Guys don’t care about your number. Sure, some guys say that they do, because there’s still an absurd reliance on the Madonna-whore complex in our society. But in reality, if a guy really likes you, he will find all sorts of ways to talk himself into you. This means his statement that he could only date girls who have single-digit numbers of sexual partners becomes moot. My point is, don’t pursue a guy you’ve slept with just because you feel like you have to. It’s not worth it.
Now, onto more practical advice. How do you get a one-night stand to actually like you as something more than just a one-time guest star in his life’s TV show? The easiest way to start is by being memorable. How do you do that? Well, first, be good at sex. It kind of seems like a no-brainer, but you’d be shocked by how many girls seem to not take this into account. This is the twenty-first century, ladies. The social standard of sexuality where women are judged mainly on their appearance and men are judged by their ability to perform in the bedroom is beginning to blur. You can’t skate by on being hot–you actually have to make an effort. I can’t even begin to count the number of conversations I’ve had with friends of mine where they express that they had been initially drawn to a girl they’d gone home with, but had been turned off by the actual sex. Yeah, that’s right, guys aren’t just content with the simple act of “getting laid” anymore. They’d like to actually enjoy themselves in the process. Maybe we’re greedy, or maybe you’re lazy. Either way, work on your technique. This isn’t a Cosmo sex advice column, so I’m not going to give you specific instructions. You figure it out. Most importantly, though, go over and above the call of duty. You might be hungover the next day and want nothing more than to slink home, mix a smoothie, and not leave your couch, but initiating morning sex before you go is always a good decision.
The next thing is not to be so uptight about the whole deal. The best way to make yourself appealing is a willingness to walk away. If a guy sees that you had a good time, but you aren’t going crazy trying to lock him down immediately, it’ll pique his curiosity. But that’s not enough. Being “okay” with walking away isn’t really a fun way to go about life. Think about it this way, instead. You wanted to have sex with a particular guy, and you did. Pat yourself on the back, you accomplished your goal. Anything on top of this is just gravy. And we like gravy, right? It’s good on, like, 80 percent of food. I’m getting off track. Go spill the beans to your friends who are eagerly awaiting the results of your scandalous encounter. You just got some sweet, sweet lovin’, and now you get to rub it in the faces of your friends stuck in long-term relationships whose sex lives have slowed down a bit. Not in a mean way, though. Or I don’t know, maybe in a mean way. I don’t know your relationship with your friends. It’s not my area of expertise.
Here’s the one rule to rule them all: be undeniable. It’s my rule for everything in life that’s hard. People often get hung up on the outside goals and ignore being good at what’s important. For example, comedians will be worried about getting a manager, booking time at a good club, and getting cast in a TV show, when the only thing they should really be worried about is being the funniest fucking person on the planet. Same thing for you. You want to date a guy? Doesn’t matter whether he’s a long-term friend or a bar hookup, you should be focused on being the single most undeniable woman on the planet. Yeah, that means you have to be attractive. Stop eating garbage, perfect your makeup skills, and do squats. I cannot emphasize that enough. Do whatever exercises you feel like, but do some fucking squats for Christ’s sake, it’s an ass man’s world. But that’s only the beginning. Hot is fine, but there will always be someone hotter than you–unless you won the genetic lottery, in which case, why are you taking my advice on anything? Are you funny? You should be funny. More importantly, you should be interesting. Read books, listen to good music, have nuanced thoughts on things. And be laid back. No one likes an intense person who’s always opinionated. Being good looking will get you into the bedroom, but having a great personality will keep you in it.
So let’s say you followed my advice and put in a valiant effort during the hookup, left like a normal person, didn’t immediately blow up his phone, and were undeniably charismatic. Now what? Now you wait a couple days. He might text you, he might not. If he doesn’t, text him yourself. Say, “I had a good time the other night, you wanna grab drinks sometime?” Yeah. That’s it. He either says yes or no. There’s no gamesmanship here. If he’s in, great, go from there. If he’s not, wash your hands, and then ignore his inevitable drunken texts a month later when he can’t find anyone to go home with that particular night, so he’s resorted to scrolling through his old hookups in a last ditch effort to get some. You’re better than that, lady. Unless you feel like getting some, too, in which case, do whatever you want. I’m not the boss of you.