If Burnett’s Flavors Were Honest

Picture this, it’s your freshman year. You and your bestie are venmoing your sorority big to buy you vodka. They ask you, “what kind of vodka do you want?” You respond, “whatever’s cheapest!!!” Rookie mistake. They bring you back….. Burnett’s. Sure, it costs 5.99. But you do pay a price. It’s your liver and your dignity.

I started my drinking journey with Burnett’s and I am honestly am just thankful to still be alive. My biggest qualm with the brand of rat poison vodka is the endless amount of flavors. The flavors are lies. Do you want whipped cream? Strawberry banana?? Guess what, it all tastes the same. Who names Burnett’s flavors? My go-to flavor was peach. Did it taste like a peach? No. It tasted like getting bitch slapped. But the bottle was cute.

All I’m asking is for honest advertising. Just name the flavors honestly. So here, I’m going to label Burnett’s with the ACTUAL flavors. So that there is transparency in what you’re getting yourself into.

THOT TEARS I hope you’re wearing your waterproof Mascara. This flavor is for the girl who is talking to an absolute jerk. If you are drinking Burnett’s, you don’t respect your body. If you don’t respect your body, you probably are hooking up with a total dick(WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE). Get ready to fight outside a house party and make all your friends uncomfortable. Hopefully he won’t punch a dry wall this time!!!

PUKING IN THE UBER This flavor is a fan favorite. This is for my thrifty queens who thought they’d save money for an Uber by drinking Burnett’s. Just to puke in the Uber. Now, you have to pay the Uber fee to clean up your throw up that consists of dining hall chicken tenders and Red Bull? Big mistake. Makes for a great story. But ruins your Uber rating.

SWEATY THONG This flavor is for the dancing queen. You’re going home with your mans. You look HOT, but you sweaty and smell rank. It’s not your fault. No man will ever understand the pains of high-waisted shorts. You’re having a good time. Dancing. Laughing. But if you drink too much, you’ll forget to take a little stripper bath. You will forget to pretend to pee just to wipe your whoohaa with your man’s roommate’s towel. By the time you notice that something smells like a tuna roll left out of the fridge for two weeks, it will be too late. It’s not our fault woman’s fashion has us wearing denim diapers with a thong wedgie underneath!!!

BEER PONG WATER Stay hydrated while you drink. This flavor is for the girl who hangs out and plays beer pong. You’re probably some frat’s sweetheart. But sweetheart, just because you think you’re “one of the guys” does NOT mean we lower our hygiene standards to theirs. I don’t know why boys think plastic cups are reusable. But there is no way to drink out of one of these cups if you don’t have all your shots. That being said please make sure you’re up to date on all your shots before entering any college aged man’s home.

DORM ROOM MOLD Your parents are paying out the ass or you are paying out the ass in loans to live somewhere with black mold. Tell the housing office. They don’t care. This flavor is for those of us who refuse the college dorm living. Most likely, you love interior design design and have an anthropology candle in your dumpster fire of a room. We have all been there. I hope you survive your freshman year dorm, queen. The only thing more lethal than black mold is this Burnett’s flavor

FRAT HOUSE BASEMENT Similar to Beer Pong Water, this flavor is for a frat sweetheart. However, this flavor isn’t for one of the guys. This is the flavor for the lucky girly who gets to spend the night at that gorgeous establishment. Yes, the house does have shag carpet. Why is it wet? I don’t know! The walls here are also paper thin! So everyone can hear everything. Why does he have a thousand water bottle and cups in his bedroom? When was the last time he washed his sheets? Why doesn’t he have a top sheet? Idk sister, but but have!!!

JUNGLE JUICE ROOFIE For the girl who says “sure I’ll drink whatever.” I got jokes for this flavor too. But let me instead give a quick PSA. Men don’t really look out for women. Like, I love men and everything. I think there’s some super nice guys I went to school with. But being a girl is just a different experience. Boys go on a power trip when they drink and just figure every girl wants them. OR they think regardless if the girl wants them, they can have anyone. A lot of boys get physical or angry when they drink. Maybe it’s harmless. But it’s still a little spooky. SO GIRLIES – Don’t leave your friends at parties. Make sure they get home or to a safe place where you trust the guys or whoever they’re with(there are really great guys out there you can trust). Make sure you charge your phones so they don’t die. Text your friends to see if they got home. Spend the money for the Uber. Put your keys between your fingers while you walk. Not to be a mom or anything. But being a girl at a party is a different experience. I am so thankful for the girls in college who called me a ride home. They were even girls I didn’t get along with! I am thankful for the one girl who got her boyfriend to carry me to my dorm my freshman year. People make mistakes. No biggie if you get too drunk. We can all have fun. But let’s look out for each other. Because it’s wild out there.

LIVER POISONING Consider this the “original” flavor. This one is for anyone who starts to mispronounce words when they drink (guilty!). Anyone who says “let’s get fucked up!” Anyone who likes to fist bump or listen to old Kesha. You probably love Jersey Shore and fight like Ronnie and Sammi. If you drink this flavor, please remember, don’t listen to R Kelly no matter what. I know, I know…. I too have been dying to listen to Remix to Ignition. But that time is past. Don’t get fucked up too much that you say the n word either. No matter the song, I don’t care. Please be careful cutie pie. No R Kelly. No n words. Just good vibes and bad livers.

I hope you enjoy these Burnett’s flavors. My recommendation? Spend the extra 10 dollars and get Tito’s.

Written by Caroline Bano

Super boring girl with mediocre personality....but I'm hot. Read my blog. NYC.

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