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Put Your Money Where Your Moon Is

I actually can’t even believe how in just one day this took over everyone’s life, including my own. 

What a wild ride the last 24 hours have been. Most of us have a good sense about what’s been going on with the stock market, Twitter and yada yada yada. But if you live under a fucking boulder, I’ll summarize in cavemen speech. Wall street bad, fair trade good. Fair trade too good, Wall Street take away. Gamestop moon bound, AMC lose this round. Robinhood suck. Buy Doge for good luck. I can’t explain it in any simpler terms. 

Yesterday morning I woke up and read a few tweets here and there about the Reddit group that outwitted big bad brokers. I read a singular article, and thought damn wish I knew how the stock market worked. Then continued about my day. Like most things I see on the internet, I saw it and then didn’t give it a second thought. Until around three in the afternoon, I noticed a lot of people were tweeting about going another round but this time with AMC and Nokia. I quite literally have no knowledge about the stock market at this point so I once again ignore it. Until I saw this tweet….

For whatever reason, something about David Dobrik being onboard made me want to ride that mother fucking train with him to the god damn moon. I immediately texted my best friend’s boyfriend (who I just recently shit on for obsessing over the stock market) and asked him how to buy a stock. He recommended Robinhood and I sped through the application process. I didn’t read anything. I have no idea what those disclosures said, I could have agreed to breast feed the CEO, I’ll never know. I also had no idea I was racing against the market closing at 4. I was just going fast because I wanted to beat out other people who had the same idea. 

So now it’s 3:45 and I secured my shares in AMC based solely on the fact that David Dobrik was in on it. Like a smart person, I began my research on how the market actually works AFTER buying. I became obsessed. I called all my friends and told them to get rich with me, but they just didn’t understand. They told me to “find a real job” and to “get some sleep”. I blocked all their numbers and sent bags of dog shit to their childhood homes. There was no longer any need for poverty ridden people in my life. I was on the road to being a millionaire. 

Throughout the night I scanned the internet til my eyes bled. The people who were buying AMC were also telling everyone to buy Nokia…so I did. The people buying Nokia were telling everyone to buy Doge….SO I DID. I WAS OUT OF CONTROL. I bet everything on this thing. The buys were set up for the next morning, so all I had to do was wait. It was that easy. I had no previous knowledge on the matter and now I was going to bed poor for the very last time. 

Like everyone else when I woke up, my faith in the American dream was burned to the ground, right in front of me. All my buys were voided and there was nothing I could do about it. I only had two cards to play with. My AMC stock I bought before the market closed on the previous day, and the money I put into DOGE at like 2 in the morning. 

All day I watched AMC plummet. I stood by it and held (because I know these terms now). No fancy suit dickhead is going to bring us down without a fight (another phrase that has just been drilled into my head in the course of a day). I put more money into Doge and tweeted way too much for a first-day-day-trader. I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m hooked. This shit is better than recreational drugs. I guess I just love that everyone is in on this and that the whole thing has furthered my question on WHAT EVEN IS MONEY!

In conclusion…I’m not really sure. About any of this. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I can’t stop now. I’m in way too deep.

I think the good people of the internet would like me to end this by saying…

DOGE TO THE FUCKING MOON! HOLD TIL A $1! 

What do you think?

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Written by Grace O'Malley

If Carrie Bradshaw drank a little bit too much and was originally from Boston...

2 Comments

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  1. 1. Free market capitalism is dead if this god forsaken Democrat shithole allows trading platforms to ban completely legitimate trading strategies like short squeezing
    2. I am seeking your enthusiastic and informed consent to eat your ass in a fenway men’s room

    • Kobe-beef Barbie politely requesting #buttstuff is a RFM… and sure short squeezing is legit in that it’s currently legal, that doesn’t mean it isn’t manipulative and incentivizes actively finding ways to devalue a company, sometimes as much as powerful people going on tv and talking bad about them. But no free market capitalism isn’t dead if predatory market manipulation is curbed.

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